Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

Say it, I'm gonna fight.

2012-02-12T16:14:00.001-08:00

I'd be lying if I saidI was comfortable with the diagnosis I was given by my optician theother day. I have recurrent corneal erosion. The word 'recurrent'implies that once this has gone the first time, after a month or two,it'll be back in a matter of months or years. The word 'corneal'implies that it's on my eye, right in my vision. 'Erosion' impliesthat every time I blink, a layer of cells are being sweeped off myeyeball because of this massive scratch on my cornea.

I do feel uncomfortableblinking when I'm conscious of the fact that I'm blinking, that's forsure, but maybe that's just because I'm a hypochondriac, who knows.

He also checked myvision and said I only need the tiniest prescription for my scratchedeye so he wasn't intending on giving me glasses anytime soon. Ifigure if I went back to him when I was unscratched and healed, he'dsay my eyesight is perfect and that would be the end of that.

I've never been moreinfuriated with my doctors though. After I was sent away from my GPwith a diagnosis of 'it's conjunctivitis, go get some eye wash', andto then come out with a serious condition after visiting an optician,I'm outraged. I should sue. She didn't in any way imply that I shouldhave perhaps consulted an expert in the field, and if it weren't forthe fact that my mum forcibly booked me an opticians appointment, I'dstill be sitting here in pain right now.

Anyway, it's in thepast now. I can't do anything about my GP being a braindead old womanwith an ego the size of her office. Plus her surname is Mycock.

The best day.

2012-02-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a bloody perfect day, despite one little thing.

I had to go to two museums as homework one of my subjects at university, so me and Troy decided to go to the city museum and the Royal Hampshire Regiments museum. The former was really well laid-out, well-lit and generally interesting, well frankly anything where Troy's happy pressing interactive buttons is fine by me! The latter we kind of rushed through because we were running out of time but we both remember going there with school.

We went through the cathedral too, 13 quid for two adults entry is fucking ridiculous but it was well worth it to see the crypt again and take a load more photos than the first time I did about two weeks ago. Plus, Troy's beaming smile was priceless. He loves museums, and that makes me the happiest girl alive, that I can talk to him about this kind of thing without boring him to tears.

The one negative about today was my appointment with the opticians for an eye test. Like I've kept you updated, I've had an issue with my eye for the past few days now, so much so I went to the doctors with it the other day for her to tell me I had viral conjunctivitis and tell me to go down the chemists for some bog-standard eye drops, which never worked, the pain was still there. The optician, however, has given me a much more accurate diagnosis. I have what's called recurrent corneal erosion, which basically means I have a massive scratch on my eyeball and whenever my eyes blink or shut, this scrapes off a layer of cells from my cornea surface. As far as what he described, he reckons it started because my eyes got dehydrated one night recently. He sent me to buy some specific eye drops - Lacrilube, funnily enough - to put in my eye just before I go to bed every night for at least a month. It stipulates before I go to bed because the drops will make my eyes blurry and pretty damn impossible to see for 15 minutes after taking them. It's not a death sentence, but it's basically a bad thing that will keep reoccurring throughout my life. Just another to add to my list of disorders.

But besides that, I've had a wonderful day, and I have my beautiful prince charming to thank for it :) <3

Memes, memes, memes.

2012-02-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

My contributions to the Winchester University memes:

You're fucking perfect to me.

2012-02-08T17:11:00.001-08:00

One day a few weeks ago, I had an argument with my mum and she stormed out of the house, leaving me alone with my thoughts. And the TV remote.

I needed something to save me from what was going through my head, I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, I wanted out, I wanted to stop being a burden to my loved ones, I was always making mistakes, forgetting things, and I was made to feel stupid because of it, rather than someone telling me it’s okay to make mistakes.

So I did what I hadn’t done for at least five years - I turned on the music channels and hoped for something that would help me, as opposed to the usual R&B rubbish ‘singing’ about promiscuity and loveless relationships.

And what did I find?

Pink - Perfect.

I just fell to my knees and cried in front of the television. It was the most surreal feeling, it swept over me like the daylight draped over the sky by Helios on his chariot.

I heard the words and I felt them, like they were coursing through my veins, like they were my life force.

I seriously recommend this song to anyone who finds themselves in the situation I did. Although in all honesty, the state I was in at that point wasn’t as bad as I’ve been before, but I can tell you now, if that song had existed years ago, I would not be the same person I am now. I would have recovered faster than I did. I would certainly have not settled for second best. I would not have accepted people’s lies and deceit because I thought they were the only person for me. I would have held my head up high a hell of a lot sooner.

Yes, I eventually learnt how to hold my head high, but it took finding my prince to help me. If I had this song, I would have saved myself years before my prince.

So if you find yourself at a loss, even if I haven’t convinced you that this song helped me more than I ever thought music could, give it a try anyway. It’s not going to hurt you, just to give yourself a chance, to save yourself, in a time when you think nobody else will.

Pretty pretty please,
Don’t you ever feel,
Like you’re less than fucking perfect.
Pretty pretty please,
If you ever ever feel,
Like you’re nothing,
You’re fucking perfect to me.

Over and out.

2012-02-08T17:03:00.001-08:00

It's finally over.

I look at your photos now and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even pity for the wreck of a life you still lead without me.

I can't really say when this numbness set in, but I bet it's down to the fact I finally deleted your number the other day. Not even on my old phone. Now I have no way of contacting you and it's like a weight off my shoulders. Now my life can finally move along without you. Like it should have done almost two years ago.

I think I worked out what helped though. I played Snuff by Slipknot on loop for days and I'm convinced it washed you away from my mind like some kind of miracle tidal wave.

--------------------------------------------------

So save your breath, I will not care.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend,
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claim to be a saint.
Oh my own was banished long ago,
It took the death of hope to let you go.

So break yourself against my stones,
And spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help,
You sold me out to save yourself.

And I won't listen to your shame,
You ran away, you're all the same.
Angels lie to keep control.
Ooh, my love was punished long ago,
If you still care don't ever let me know.
If you still care don't ever let me know.

--------------------------------------------------

You don't even deserve a goodbye.

Ozzy Osbourne taught me a good lesson about life: just shout 'you're an arsehole' and move the fuck on.

You're an arsehole.

My eye.

2012-02-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm ill. Very. Very ill. I went to the doctors today and she said I have conjunctivitis, but I've looked it up on the internet and it's nothing like that at all. I have a dull constant pain in my eye, which hurts even more when I blink, and it itches sometimes. It's not red, like conjunctivitis. It's not sticky. Just painful, so very painful.

I have to go to museums and the opticians on Friday as well as my lecture at 9-12. I just hope I can last that long, or I'll fall asleep somewhere, and believe me, that wouldn't be cool.

Now I'm confused...

2012-02-07T12:00:00.001-08:00

Spider-Man exists!

If you had asked me four weeks ago today if I was happy, I'd have replied negatively. I was having a terrible start to History, I was dreading each lecture as it came along. I dreaded the fact that nobody was talking to me, I was sat at the back of each lecture alone, trying my hardest to start a conversation with the people around me to only be received negatively and with some strange malice

Four weeks in, and I'm finally happy. I still sit at the back of a lecture, but that's because I turn up earlier than anyone I know. I prefer it that way though really because I hate the feeling of walking in a room late and scanning the sea of faces for familiar ones.

Now I'm not alone.

Yesterday, the usual guy comes and sits beside me, and after four weeks of speaking to him I worked out his name by taking a sneak peek over his shoulder as he was logging in on his Macbook. Jonathan, his name is. He's a quiet type, but not the bad quiet. It takes me to make a joke for him to laugh. Plus he likes The Used, so he's seriously in my good books there.

Today, I sat down and an American exchange student came and sat by me. We spoke last week before our seminar because thankfully he found me and another girl in the library and had the confidence to come and ask us if we were from History. Bless him, that was brave of him because god knows what I'd do in that situation. If I recognise someone, I just smile with the corner of my mouth and look to the floor as I walk by. If it's someone I know, I talk to them. But he really had the confidence to speak to us and frankly, I'm so grateful. He's a wonderful man, and he has the greatest accent known to man. I may just be one of those British girls that's fallen in love with the American culture, but I can't help it. He's amazing. He's just what I imagined an American guy to be. He's educated, which is a big plus because from what I imagine of Americans, they're not especially bright, so him, he's an exception to the rule, and an amazing one at that.

I hope Troy doesn't worry when I say I speak to all these guys. It's just something about me that makes it easier for guys to talk to me on a friend level as opposed to a pervy kind of way. I speak to men and I feel more comfortable than I am around women, because women feel they need to fill every silence. Men, on the other hand, are more than happy to sit in silence and just enjoy each other's company, the comfort of sitting next to someone you know and not having to go out of your way to impress them.

On my own.

2012-02-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

It's just been a horrific day today. I spent two hours in a lecture about religion in the early medieval period and I've never been more bored in my entire life. I know, I know, I say that after almost every lecture and it always ends up being true. This time, however, I was sat next to a guy who I'm convinced has a screw or twenty loose. He sat there the whole time jabbing me with his elbow, flailing his arms, hitting his head on the desk, and, as if this image couldn't get more obscure, he got out a piece of paper and instead of writing down notes from the lecture, proceeded to draw mushroom clouds. I have officially witnessed the marbles of another human being smashing on a desk and shattering into a billion impossible pieces.

On the way home I thought I'd be a good student and get some of the books I need for my essay which is due in on the 21st. It's about the Peasant's Revolt, and it's safe to say that regardless of the event taking place 700 years ago, there's enough literature on it to sink a ship. Or at least my bag. I only brought home 5 books when there were 7 on offer, but it seems 5 was suitably enough to make me stumble all the way down town.

Not a single one of them interests me. None of this work interests me. Standing in the library staring at the shelf I needed, I saw Chaucer next to my books and I was begging and pleading with myself to not feel bad about dropping English and pursuing the world's most mind-numbingly horrific subject. Needless to say, I didn't succeed.

The neighbours are giving me hell today too.

I want to live on an island. An island with no university and no people except me and the people I love.

My eye has been killing me for days, and that just happens to be my good eye too, my right eye, so I hope it clears up soon because I may not be able to navigate anywhere if it doesn't.

Oh, and I've been reading Ozzy Osbourne's book since last night. I only finished half of it the last time I attempted it, and I'm 91 pages from the end as I type. We'll see if I can finish it by tonight. I love it already, but I love Ozzy anyway so it makes no difference. I just hope I get the opportunity to see him at Download this summer.

The music that keeps me going.

2012-02-05T07:13:00.000-08:00

Me and Troy had a fucking PERFECT conversation last night. It was really spur-of-the-moment and it just came from the top of my head, but I love that we had the time out at 1am to just chill and talk about the things that matter most to us.

Music.

So I kept asking questions about the usual categories, you know, favourite bands etc., and it helped me to think about my own life, my own music, because lately I've been feeling like one of those wannabe girlfriends that just follow their boyfriends and listen to their music in the hope that they will love them more.

His five top bands were Korn, Machine Head, Slipknot, Deftones and Stone Sour.

Mine were The Used, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Queen and 30 Seconds To Mars. Although in hindsight I think The Darkness means more to me than 30STM, so let's change those over.

Anyway, here are the questions and my answers:

Favourite song/most influential song:

The Used - Blue And Yellow (This song saved my life more times than I care to remember, I owe my life to The Used for this)
MCR - Famous Last Words (Best lyrics, most emotional thing I've ever heard, so powerful, easily my favourite song of all time)
Fall Out Boy - (Coffee's For Closers) (The lyrics are haunting and it just means so much to me, I can't really explain it)
Queen - The Show Must Go On (The lyrics, again, are so deep and meaningful, and hearing Freddie's voice just makes me believe what the song's there for - to remind you that life goes on)
The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) (My childhood in a song right here, I just can't describe it, it's everything)

First song heard:
The Used: I can't bloody remember
MCR - Helena
Fall Out Boy - Calm Before The Storm
Queen - Don't Stop Me Now (I was about 6 months old, my mum says I used to dance in my buggy to this)
The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Worst song:
The Used - Greener With The Scenery (I've never listened to it properly so that's probably why I said this)
MCR - SCARECROW (Repetitive and just totally OOC for them)
FOB - Honorable Mention (Again, never listened to it properly. It's quite repetitive)
Queen made some horrific collaboration with some rappers on a remix of Another One Bites The Dust
The Darkness - Bald (Don't ask, I've just never liked it)

Best album:
The Used - In Love And Death
MCR - The Black Parade
FOB - Folie A Deux
Queen - Greatest Hits II

The Darkness - Permission To Land

Song you wish you could play/sing:
The Used - I Caught Fire
MCR - Welcome To The Black Parade
FOB - Sugar We're Going Down
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
(Funny how all of these songs are singles that get played at each concert anyway!)

Favourite lyrics of all time:
MCR - Famous Last Words

'I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought Id never speak,
Awake and unafraid,
Asleep or dead?'

Our song:
Ozzy Osbourne - Here For You.
Me and Troy have always called ourselves Ozzy and Sharon, the prince of darkness and his awesome wife that puts up with it all. The ultimate rock couple. So when we finally worked out that we were using break-up songs as 'our song', I just remembered this little gem from his Black Rain album. It's written about Sharon and Randy Rhoads, the things he's been through and the things they've got through together.
Just. Like. Us.

I have the world's most perfect boyfriend. That is all :)

Snow way!

2012-02-04T16:17:00.001-08:00

It's been snowing tonight. Pretty heavily, it was an inch deep when I last checked. I wonder if it'll still be there in the morning.

30 Seconds To Mars' MTV Unplugged is the most beautifully raw album I've heard in a long time. It'll stay with me for a while, as I've already said I love acoustics.

You float like a feather in a beautiful world.

2012-02-04T06:52:00.001-08:00

It's 2:16pm.
Our water pipes are frozen. We're expecting snow tonight.
I had a great day with Troy yesterday but I came down with a headache so we ended up cuddling on the sofa in the dark while I closed my eyes and listened to Emmerdale.
You Me At Six's song Crash is beautiful.
Their cover of Sugar We're Going Down is actually amazing too. I don't often like covers of my favourite bands.

I keep coming on here with the complete intention of being philosophical and writing something that means something and will drastically change the rest of my life, but whenever I start out, I just can't find anything more to say than what's going on today and what just sprung to my mind about the music I'm listening to at the moment. One of these days I'll find a blog inspiration site that does all this thinking for me. One day? Fuck it, I'll look now.

Whenever I write on Blogger, I instantly think of when I first had the idea to make one of these and keep it personal between me, myself and I. I joined a group for the creative writing students at my university back when I was studying English and two modules of Creative Writing. Every day there'd be a new blogspot post by the group members and they'd post them on there for everyone to read. Personally I'm not a big fan of that, because there's this one girl whose posts I find myself addicted to, but for all the wrong reasons. Everyone she knows reads her blog, and it's no different to mine really, she writes about her day and what she's up to lately with the occasional drip of philosophy. Her boyfriend knows, her parents know, they read it, everything. But the point is, she also writes professionally. She has a book that's been published for Kindle. Looking at the cover of it, it's like she let her 5 year old sister loose on Paint and then didn't have the heart to tell her it was too bad to use commercially. And the same really goes for her writing. It's horrific. She just has no fucking clue. Genuinely. I want to slap her in the face for every little word she writes. How the fuck she passes CW courses baffles me. I'm just glad I haven't met the poor cow in real life. I'd have to hit her. I'm serious. Because when people like her get all this confidence-boosting, ego-feeding bullshit, that makes my blood boil.

Sing along to the age of paranoia...

2012-02-04T06:14:00.001-08:00

I've finally worked out what's wrong with me. After years of paranoia and being blamed for things that really aren't my fault, years of looking over my shoulder and worrying what I'll find.

I have a phobia of being wrongly accused of things.

Going shopping alone is a painful process for me, especially when I don't have an aim and I just glance around looking at things. I start getting jittery when staff look at me or linger around the aisles near me. My idea of hell is someone coming up to me and asking me if I need any help. Every time it's an innocent helpful gesture, but it's not what my mind thinks. I immediately imagine that they're adopting the tactics they use to deter shoplifters. I start asking if they know something about the most random objects that I wasn't even looking for.

In HMV earlier, I was just lingering round looking for something to waste the time before my next bus. I stood round the headphones section looking at the in-ear headphones with a remote mic for my iPhone, not because i need one but just in case for future reference. A staff member came up and asked me if I needed help. I blurted out the most random gibberish about the headphones, and bless him the guy helped me out and showed me the cheapest ones. I pity the poor guy for showing me something I could easily have done by myself. But it was just my nerves.

My mum always said I shouldn't be let out in society because I seriously lack common sense. That's not offensive to me, I know damn well I can't function in the real world. But I have to get used to it one day and that's just how life goes. If I could live in a cave all my life, I would. I can't answer the door. I can't talk on the phone unless it's to someone I know severely well like my parents or my boyfriend. Otherwise, I hate phone calls and I get agitated and anxious when my phone rings and I can't focus, I can't stop shaking.

It's funny that I had this revelation while I'm listening to Creep on loop. The cover by Korn. The best version. Jonathan Davies' voice truly suits the song and he conveys the message better than anyone. Plus the acoustics are perfect and you know me, I'm a sucker for an acoustic.

I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Speaking of acoustics, I found the acoustic version of Loverboy by You Me At Six while I was in my lecture earlier. I love that song as it is, but I'm completely converted to the acoustic version now. I just love the emptiness, the raw sound, the twang of the guitar's not obliterated by drums or bass.

Personally, I think all bands should do an acoustic recording of their best songs. It gives the song a lot more volume and recognition, it lasts more in your mind when you hear a raw, stripped-down-to-the-bones version that helps you feel the emotions, feel the words rather than the talent of the Animal behind the drum kit.

I wanna love you but I'd better not touch...

2012-01-31T17:21:00.001-08:00

Wow, I'm so sorry it's been so long since I blogged. I don't even know what's come over me, I have Blogger on my phone, I can post any time, but I just haven't found the motivation to sit here and type anything out.

A few things have happened since I last spoke.

1. My netbook is in repair at the moment. The mouse button on the left broke. I sent it in on Monday with the certain knowledge that I could just get a refund for it and get myself another one with the funds, but they said they had to send it back to Samsung for repair before they could even do that. I've struggled to do any uni work without it. I've spent a year and four months without having to write anything, so I pretty much sat in my lecture staring at my paper and pen going, 'what are these curious inventions?'. I missed a tonne of notes because I'm simply not a quick enough writer. The netbook should be back in 21 days and that's far too long so I've ordered another one, which is due to turn up tomorrow. I feel literally dead without it. I still have my big laptop or home but I think that's about to die a slow and painful death because it overheats beyond comprehension.

I have had a strange urge to listen to Alice Cooper these past few weeks. I looked a lot like him today when the wind made my eyes water and my makeup run, so I downloaded a few tracks. His most recent album is pretty decent, melikes.

I met an international student from the US today. He's come from New Hampshire to Hampshire, which I find ironic. He was a lovely man, although I did feel dreadful with my stupid Welsh humour, I felt I was shutting him out making all these jokes that I found funny but his American humour doesn't understand. Hell, at least he speaks English.

I'm tired. So tired. It's only 1:18 but I'm shattered sat in bed listening to Alice Cooper.

Is it just me or is Frank Iero's band Leathermouth just general endless shit? Incoherent screaming throughout a song is not what I call music. At least make some parts singing so you can make sense of what the song is about, so we can put the screaming into context and understand why in fact you're screaming in the first place. THIS is why I prefer old school rock. You'd never catch Ozzy Osbourne or Freddie Mercury roaring incoherently.

You ain't seen nothing yet...

2012-01-26T09:09:00.001-08:00

So I came home a littletoo early, and my mum's inside sleeping at the moment, so I'm sittingin the back garden on our little bench just typing this and enjoyingthe occasional rays of sunshine peeping through the gate. It's a niceday, not too chilly, not too warm, and I like it out here. The sky'sa faint blue, scattered with clouds as if to say, 'it could beworse'.

What on earth am Irabbiting on about? I wish I knew. I'm just typing for the sake oftyping because I like typing and when I start typing I can't stoptyping so I'm typing what's going on in my head, regardless ofimportance, relevance or in fact meaning.

My fingers are startingto chill, and I can see my hair is becoming a ragged mess in front ofmy eyes as I type, the wind creates a kind of tunnel around thisbench and I'm getting blasted here, there and everywhere. I'm hearingnoises in the house which could suggest my mum's awake, or it couldwell be the neighbours, I'm never too certain. The noise distortionis incredible in this weather. I'm hearing the nearby dualcarriageway bustling with it's usual traffic, a transporter truck,buzzing cars, the odd motorbike with it's invasive waspish hum. I'mstarting to shiver now, I felt my ribs ever so slightly juddering, Ihave a strange way of shivering, it's almost as if I'm shivering fromthe inside out. I don't often shiver with my arms or my legs, unlessit's a really bitter chill, it tends to be my abdomen that feels thepain. I'm sniffing. Maybe I shouldn't be out in the cold for thislong,

I should get back intowriting really. When I was studying creative writing with English, Ilooked at the kind of stuff everyone else was writing and thinking tomyself, 'if these kinds of people can get their work published, thenI'm pretty sure mine could be too'. I write a lot more fluently thanmost people, I tend to formulate adjectives in my head as I'mdescribing something without writing something then having to go backto it and adjust it. I rarely ever go back and alter something I'vealready written, because personally I find no faults in the way it'swritten as it is. Other people might, but that's because they're notme. They don't see it in the way I do. They haven't heard the actionsgoing on in my head, they haven't seen them through my eyes.

I guess you could say Idon't write any more because my confidence was shot through theinsane amount of criticism you get when you're studying English. Yes,that's what English is for, the criticism of other works, I'm wellaware of that, but the point is I don't take criticism well when itcomes to my only source of self worth and confidence. I lackconfidence in any other department, so I make up for it in mywriting. Which is probably one of the numerous reasons why I gave upEnglish, I couldn't stick the criticism because it was incrediblydegrading. I got 63 out of 100 for a creative piece, and with all duerespect I'm well aware that they mark first year work extremelycritically so as to encourage you to work a damn sight harder thenext time, but that's irrelevant when it comes to my writing. Me,personally, anyway.

I thought my creativepiece was beautiful, or at least I tried to make it beautiful. I'llcopy and paste it onto a new post so you can all sit there and museon my work just as my teachers have done. By all means, postcriticism, I'm past the point where criticism affects me with regardsto that individual piece of work. I know it's not the best, at leastnow I do.

In a brief overview,just in case you're wondering whether or not to read it, whether itwill appeal to you, I'll warn you now – it probably won't. It's avery limited audience range, and it also includes cultural andlinguistic references that many people from this area of the worldwon't understand. But that's what I hoped to do, challenge people'sperspectives on a particular culture and make them more or less awarethat they're all people, just like us.

Anyway, onto the piece.It's about a 19 year old Mexican boy called Judas. Yes, controversialname. I was fascinated by the concept that a name such as that isprobably even banned in certain countries. I've researched countriesand the baby names they ban, such as Sweden bans the name Ikea, andapparently China forbids the symbol that effectively means 'smellyhead'. Not surprisingly.

Distracted again. Judasis just your average 19 year old, he's fed up of the autumnalfestivities such as Halloween which require him to publicly humiliatehimself for the sake of his little sister, Isabel. The day this storytakes place is a key cultural event in the Mexican calendar – DiaDe Los Muertos. You may or may not have heard of it, but it's thecelebration of the deceased where families take offerings to theirfamily graves and celebrate their lives as if they were still withthem to this day.

The importance of Judason this day is that he is obliged to take his little sister to thecarnival in the town square, dressed up as skeletons, quite a morbidelement of the celebration but I find this even more fascinating.Anyway, I won't give away any more of the story purely because it allhappens quite fast after all this description is over with, so youcan skip through with a vast array of knowledge now having read this.

Spanish speakers willbe a lot more informed when reading the piece because the charactersoften use Spanish phrases, although I make every effort to translatethem or at least use lexis that sounds similar to that in the Englishequivalent. But quite frankly, you have a bit of a head start if youcan speak Spanish, as the title will give away most of the plot.

Dia De Los Asesinato.

See? That word right atthe end sounds so damn similar to the English version of a similarword, so without further ado, I'll post the story now.

Grab your coat and let's start walking...

2012-01-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry, it's been a few days since I blogged. The second week of this semester has been moderately average. Nothing special so far. We went to Winchester Cathedral yesterday and it was lovely, despite having waited half an hour in the rain for the bus beforehand, we went everywhere in the cathedral and I took many photos. I'll upload them tonight for you lovelies.

It's my day off today, so I'm relaxing with Bruce Almighty.

2012-01-22T06:37:00.001-08:00

So I just got an email from Crown Jewel Defense's singer, and it turns out I won the vest I entered for. Happy fucking DAYS! It's coming through the post :)

I had a lovely day with Troy yesterday, going down to Winch and having a Subway, then coming back and cuddling up in his lean-to watching gig videos, then having a gorgeous pizza!

I love those moments when you find yourself aware that you're blinking. Like just now, I'm watching Get Him To The Greek and I saw that Russell Brand was blinking frequently. It really makes you conscious of your own blinking, and it feels strange.

Loverboy, you played those hearts like toys.

2012-01-20T06:44:00.000-08:00

I REALLY hope I got my email to CJD through in time - I was so pissed I didn't get their vest at the gig so I hope I've got it in time to get a free one now, otherwise I'll be buying it from them anyway!

I haven't laughed so hard in my LIFE today when I saw my ex, who always told me had 'better job offers' than Millets he was working in, and he's now working in Co-op. Oh my DAYS I laughed.

Lecturerrrr.

2012-01-20T01:09:00.001-08:00

Chris Aldous, you sound like a legend, but you're only proving my assumption that all History lecturers have a lisp.

It's comedy and tragedy...

2012-01-20T00:54:00.000-08:00

It's 8am, I'm on the bus to my last lecture of the week – Modern East Asia. I'm ill as fuck, coughing and spluttering here there and everywhere, but this is the one module I was looking forward to, so I can't just give up, especially on my first week in the subject.

I've decided I'm giving uni 2 more weeks, see if the situation improves and see if people actually start talking to me instead of leaving me to my own devices at the back of the lecture. If I get blanked through those entire 2 weeks, then I'm going to rethink my entire career path. The thing is, I'm not the kind of person to sit at the back and not talk to anyone – it's not me whatsoever. I'm far from shy, I've only recently worked that out. I always start a conversation with the person sitting next to me, I always try and joke with them even if they're talking to their friends around them – it's just the kind of person I am. But this week, I've become so introverted and I'm exhausted from trying to communicate with people to only be blanked. Yeah, in my first lecture I got to know two people, a girl called Ellie and her friend who's name I don't know because unfortunately he didn't introduce himself. I always see them walking into lectures, but by that point I'm already sat down and I don't want to look like a desperado by jumping up to go and sit by them and pester them. I don't want to be a burden, especially if they were only being nice to me because they felt they had to.

-----

I'm in the lecture now and it all seems pretty quiet so far, 5 minutes til the lecture starts and there's only about 7 or 8 of us here. As usual, I'm sat at the back, but we all seem to be spread out across a massive lecture room so maybe I'll move if he asks me to.

There's a guy at the front whistling to the music on his iPod. I'm hearing the words 'retard' and 'you've been in here 2 minutes and already you're breaking the place'.

Crowd is getting bigger. Must be about 15 by now. Getting there slowly. 3 minutes past the lecture shoulda started.

2012-01-19T09:04:00.001-08:00

I think this is one lecture I can safely blog in for the rest of my time here. We're learning about public history at the moment, things like memorials that preserve the past.

I'm one of two people in this lecture using a laptop. Awkward. Anyway, at least I don't type like an elephant having a stroke.

I wish there was an alarm that buzzed me every time my lecturer changes slides, I look up after writing everything on the last slide and she's already changed it! I think she says 'now' after every slide, so I need to keep that in mind.

Take my heart, take my mind, take my lungs, take my... LIFE.

2012-01-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

Another lecture at the back of the room. Fun times. This time it's the massive auditorium so it's even more awkward sitting at the back. Not that I care. I'm used to it by now. The lecturer seems pretty nice too, I expected her to be a young woman though from her name - Natalya Chernyshova. But she's middle-aged and a lot wiser, which is good. I love her accent too, Russians are cute.

I've resigned myself to failure in this subject purely because it's a core subject and I remember how little we paid attention to our core subjects in English and yet we still passed them.

I got my Intro To English presentation back today and I got 58/100 on it, which could be much much worse.

The worse, however, was my main Critical Reading essay. 48/100. JUST scraped a pass. JUST. A pass is 40. I'm so fucking proud I even passed that but to be quite honest I hate the teacher who marked it with a passion. I never liked her, she was patronizing, humiliating and just downright rude. I barely went to her seminars because of that, and it was far from want of trying. Anyway. It's over now. I'm past caring. I'll live.

I really should keep reminding myself to 'keep calm and carry on'. I'll get a poster with it on one day soon.

I fucking love History - trips to Winchester Cathedral and museums every few weeks, watching History Boys as a lecture... :) Yeah, right now we're going through the module guide for this subject and we go to two museums of our choice in week 4, and week 8 we watch History Boys as a lecture! Get IN!

Oh fuck. GROUP PRESENTATIONS. I never used to mind them but been as I've made like no friends in this group... I'm screwed.

Know what?

2012-01-18T08:42:00.001-08:00

Fuck you. I always help you and you never help me. So screw you, asking me for help this time.

Thank FUCK I changed subjects.

Day 2.

2012-01-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

First Late Medievallecture over with. That was quite frankly the worst experience of myuniversity life so far. I hated it with a passion. I was just sat atthe back until some girls came and sat beside me with a pizza box,just tempting me right under my nose. They seemed to be reallyfriendly with all the girls sat in front of us which just made iteven more awkward for me to try and start a conversation with them. Itried god knows how many times and each time I failed miserably. Ohwell, at least we live and learn, now I know which girls to avoidtalking to. I was entirely blanked by two guys as we walked in and Itried to joke about the card scanning system we have as we walk intorooms. What made it worse is the girl that sat next to me typeslouder than an elephant having a seizure. I know I type fast but Idon't type loud, I don't think so anyway. So yeah we had 50 minutesof the first lecture, then 10 minutes break, in which I went outsidefor a 'rootin' tootin' cigarootin'' as me and Troy call it. I forgotto put my jacket on so I was suitably shivering. There seemed to be afair few History students out there so I tried to talk to them abouthow cold it was, and I was totally blanked again. Honestly, if youtake a look at the group of students that went out of that lecturefor a cigarette, there was me – the token emo, and the rest of themwere stereotypically chavvy, you know, crew cuts and jogging bottoms,silver stud earrings and Blackberries. Obviously not the kind ofpeople that would be seen dead talking to an emo. So that scupperedthat plan. Another 50 minutes of an awkward lecture later and I wasset free from the hell that is Late Medieval. I can't see that nextweek's lecture will be any different. Although we do have a trip tothe cathedral in Winchester next week so hopefully it'll be anotheropportunity to speak to people, otherwise I'll just be the typicalemo all over again and walk five paces behind the main group with myhood up and my hands in my pockets. I don't mind really, that's thekind of person I am, and realistically a lecture when you'resurrounded by so many people you know and get on with well isn'tproductive in the slightest, as my college work will testify.

This is the first timeI've written a blog post without a million and one paragraphs. I'lladmit, I've spent my entire life in education being told off for notusing paragraphs properly. It's the only thing I've ever hadcorrected in English.

Speaking ofcorrections, I know I'm not studying English any more but Christ,you'd think a History department would at least proof read aslideshow before subjecting people like me to a lecture riddled withtypos.

I'm just going slowlyinsane here so don't worry about me.

I know most peoplewrite really thoughtful blogs, writing about the philosophicaljourneys they embark upon in their day-to-day life, but me, I writeabout anything and everything.

Like for instance myuni work. I got my Fictional Writing work back yesterday, and I got63 marks out of 100 on my creative piece. You see, this is why Idon't fucking write anymore. When a teacher marks my work and saysit's not as interesting to them, they don't like the way I've writtenit or whatever, that just destroys me. It's like shooting me when I'mdown. It's my only source of pride in myself so it really is damagingwhen I get criticised for my writing. Alright, I admit that is prettyunreasonable because the whole point of an English degree is to studythe criticisms of other works, and that's probably why I'm not doingit anymore.

2012-01-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

I truly detest lectures that are RIDDLED with typos.
Unum Sanctum, not Unam Sanctam.

Bonifcace VIII - what a name! BONY FACE. Note to self: That's NOT how it's pronounced.

I came here to study History, not RELIGION.

I'm learning a lot about Winchester at least. I already know a lot about the city but clearly not enough. Jewry Street is where the Jews of the area were made to live in the medieval age.

You know you can type quieter than an elephant having a seizure, right?

Well done, you put Siri on your iPhone in a lecture. Watch out, we got a badass over here.

If I make it back, I'll still want more.

2012-01-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way to my second History lecture as I type. It's Late Medieval / Early England today, the one I didn't exactly want to do but it's something that the tutors want everyone to do so we don't just choose modern history subjects.

At my bus stop, my old friend from school John walked past me twice without even recognising me. I don't know whether it was because he doesn't want to speak to me, or because he genuinely doesn't recognise me. I wouldn't blame him, back in school my hair was flat and brown, not big and black, I wore the school uniform as opposed to black skinnies, calf-high Converses and a Darkness hoodie, and in school we weren't allowed to wear much make-up and I now cake my face with black eyeliner. It's strange how someone you've known for 5 years doesn't recognise you four years after. It's quite sad actually.

I love this bus journey really, even though I've seen everything there is to see on the route, having been on the same bus route for 4 years, it's a nice journey. A good half an hour to relax, play my favourite songs and prepare myself for having a wander through my favourite city. I consider Winchester my home, for some strange reason. I've never lived here but it feels like I have because me and Troy walk all around the city, seeing new things each time. I tend to take him on guided tours round the city like he shows me places around Whitchurch. It's starting to grow on me now, Whitchurch. I've only recently moved there and despite the fact I went to school there for 5 years, it's all brand new to me beyond the school, shops and the rec.

So I'm in my lecture now, and I'm sat at the back of the room next to two girls who just walked in and sat down, I've tried to have a conversation with them but nothing's working, it's not a problem, I'm quite happy to sit here all anti-socially. I sat down with nobody next to me but actually the room got a lot more crowded as it got closer to the start.

2012-01-16T14:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling numb. Stupid. Foolish. Ridiculous.

2012-01-16T13:27:00.001-08:00

Update numero dos.

2012-01-16T03:09:00.000-08:00

I've completed all my transfer documents and I'm now officially studying History!

I had to get the History lecturer to sign my form and then I had to drag myself up the hill to find my English lecturer to get him to sign my life away to History. He seemed reluctant, bless him, but it's done now.

As for module choices? I didn't get given too much choice because they want everyone to do the Early English History module, so I'm doing that, and the Modern East Asia module.

This actually works out well for me, because my only early morning on my timetable is now Friday. I can handle that, at least I get a Friday night to relax.

So I have a lecture at 12 on Mondays, Shaping The Past, in the lecture room I used to have Scriptwriting in.

Then Tuesdays I have Early English at 3pm. That's fine by me, I love 3pm starts, for some strange reason. As for the content of the course, I can tolerate it because it's compulsory. That's in the same Scriptwriting lecture room too.

I have Wednesdays off as I used to with English, which is good for me. I'm used to never working on Wednesdays.

Thursdays at 12, I have the compulsory module of Creating And Consuming History, I don't mind that in the slightest as long as it's not too challenging. That's in the general auditorium where I had my Introduction To English lectures, easily my favourite room on campus.

Then finally, Modern East Asia at 9 on Fridays. That's in the lecture room just upstairs from the above auditorium, where I had my Critical Reading Fiction lectures, so I'm more than happy with that.

Thankfully, looking at the timetable I was given, all the options I decided against were in the Dytche, which is currently temporary portakabins because they're still in the process of constructing a new building on campus. I had a seminar in the kabins before and I couldn't stand it, it was freezing cold and a generally ridiculously bad working environment.

It's a relief that I have all this sorted, now all I have to do is go to my lectures and hope they're all I expect them to be. I'm more concerned about making friends in each lecture, but I'm sure I can handle it. Plus I have absolutely no clue as to my seminar groups, I haven't been given a timetable for those so hopefully they'll just let me join in a seminar where I know someone in each subject. That's if I get to know anyone at all.

Well it's a weight off my shoulders at least.

I'm sat in the learning cafe like an absolute loner because all my friends from English don't have a lecture today so I have nobody to speak to. It's not a problem, I like being alone in times like this. If I had anyone with me, I'd actually be hyperactive and all over the place. Now my face is hurting because I'm sitting here frowning, I mean come on, smiling to myself while I'm looking at my laptop isn't a good look. I'm going to go for a cigarette in a minute. A celebratory cigarette. Even though it's freezing out there and I'm convinced I've lost a few toes, because I've been sat in here for half an hour and I still can't wiggle a few of them.

Time for life to begin.

This has been lingering in my drafts for days, so even though it's no longer relevant, I'm posting it anyway.

2012-01-16T02:54:00.001-08:00

I love Scrubs. I really do, I love it like it's been a massive part of my life that appears when I need it most. It reminds me of being a 13 year old girl in love. Well actually, now I think back on it, I wasn't in love at all. I had a boyfriend, yes, but at the time I believed that was what love felt like, being heartbroken because he left me four months into the relationship because he was convinced he loved his best friend, who actually didn't like him in the first place. I felt obsessed, I felt truly and utterly in love. We used to lounge about watching Scrubs all day because we just enjoyed each other's company. We'd laugh our asses off at JD, not even caring whether we showed off our real laugh to each other, because we were that comfortable with each other that all we did was howl, squeal and chuckle without boundaries, even if we were deafening each other.

But looking back on it, 6 years later, I know what love is. I know it's not about just watching Scrubs and laughing without holding back. It's about being devoted, enjoying each others company, and actually WANTING that company. Going out of your way just to be with them. For me, I find I turn down doing interesting things just to spend time with them instead.

Okay so I just turned on Jackass Number Two, and I'm already welling up, and it's only the first bull charge scene on the titles. Seeing Ryan Dunn still makes me cry, because although I can't say I worshipped him like a God like some fans do, I always preferred watching his stunts to everyone else's, because he pushed the boundaries, he did the stunts everyone else turned down. I look at him now and I see Zack Galafianakis, and that's what it's about, he's helping us grieve for Ryan through his own similar personality. I honestly love Ryan, so damn much. Just the way he reacts when April asks him why he was branding Bam so many times on the butt, he says 'I was too scared of burning my friend', she says 'well why'd you burn him in the first place?', to which he replies, 'because it was funny'.

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me and Troy at the moment, he's in a bad mood because my ex keeps texting me, this is entirely off his own back mind you, and I don't know how to handle it. I tell Troy whenever he texts because obviously, I'd want him to tell me if anything happened like that with him, but whenever I tell him, it feels like he's blaming me, and in turn I feel guilty for even telling him, like I should have just left it so it avoided him being angry. We're going to Winchester together tomorrow to see an old college friend and I'm thinking I want to take revenge on my ex while Troy's there so he sees how much I fucking hate the guy, but quite frankly I know that's not the way to handle it, so I just have to ignore the bastard and hope he goes away.

I'm lost. I'm still confused about what I'll be studying in... 5 DAYS. It's fucking horrific. I HATE this waiting. It's driving hell into me and the thing is, I get the really bad feeling that the reason why he's waiting so long to email me is because he can't think how to break the bad news to me. This is my whole entire future on the line right here.

Maybe if I don't get onto the right course, I'll just move to LA and try and break into the scriptwriting industry or something. I need to get out of this country. That would be the best move I will have EVER made in my entire LIFE. Leaving absolutely everything behind in this country, and moving out to a new environment, new continent, everything entirely different. I really should do that, if all else fails. America or Canada?

Oh baby when they made me, they broke the mould...

2012-01-16T02:52:00.001-08:00

Because I'm proud of how much I wrote to Troy just now as a way of thanking him for everything he's done for me, I thought I'd put it up here :)

Babe I just have to say that I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me these past few months, both for this uni transfer and everything else. I wouldn't be half the person I am now without you, I have a purpose and that's all thanks to you. You saved me from myself. Thank you for giving me the strength to do everything, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have changed to History, I'd be sat around doing a subject I hated for three years when I know all there is to know about it already. History's going to be a challenge, but you know me, I like a challenge, and I'm nothing without it. Thank you for being there at 3am when I have my moods when I just want to walk away from everything, thank you for standing by me regardless of the horrible things I say to you, when I know I shouldn't say them because you're truly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I owe everything to you. Thank you for being the best friend I've had, laughing with me rather than at me. Thank you for coming back to me after 8 years, for making my life worthwhile, thank you for being the most perfect, beautiful, intelligent, insane person on this planet. Thank you for putting up with me and thank you for giving me hope for the future. Thank you for not walking away when I said I wanted to marry you and move in with you.

tl;dr thank you.

If you haven't seen that before, it means 'too long; didn't read, so here's the keywords that give you the general gist of what my rambling was about', it's what I'm constantly using because I write wayyy too much and it would have definitely saved Ross on Friends when Rachel wrote that 18 page letter (FRONT AND BACK).

Untie the balloons...

2012-01-16T02:44:00.001-08:00

It's been a pretty hectic weekend so I apologise for not writing anything sooner.

So, I got my transfer to History confirmed on Friday. The lecturer was taking so long to respond to me and I was getting insanely impatient but I had to know whether I was studying History or English four days later, so I emailed him and immediately felt guilty for sounding so needy and pushy. Anyway, he said he passed on the essay I wrote to one of his colleagues to tell him what I was doing right and wrong. This guy said my essay was 'quite good' and my argument was consistent, the word 'quite' appeared a few times and that concerned me slightly but the point is, this colleague said 'I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want her to study History'. He complimented me on my bibliography but as usual, he had one minor point to make. I don't make footnotes. Now this may well be that the English faculty I've been taught by favoured bibliographies as opposed to footnotes, and I've never used them before, and I've never been called up on it, so I assumed it was alright. But he really did say it was a minor point and the fact of the matter is my essay was well made, so I'm happy with that.

It's Monday morning and I'm on the bus into uni as I type, I'm going in early so I can go and meet the lecturer and get all my transfer forms and official admin signed and sorted, so I'm officially transferred. On top of that, I need to choose my modules for this semester. I have these choices:

Early English 1272 – 1500

Victorian Britain

The United States

Modern East Asia 1900 – present.

Now at first I was convinced I had my options sorted when I read the names only – I much preferred The United States and Victorian Britain. Upon researching the topics covered in each one, I've found The US one is mostly civil wars and presidents, which I really can't handle. I have absolutely no interest in it. I then looked into the Modern East Asia one and that's really converted me. It's basically the Pacific wars and revolutions and all that jazz, and the last few weeks are concentrating on the 90s in Japan. In my head, that conjured so many images. Pokemon being the main one. This shouldn't be my first thought in a History study but it was and there's nothing I can do about that, having grown up in the 90s. The Victorian Britain module has no information on the website but I still feel it's something I'd prefer over the others. It should hopefully focus on the Industrial Revolution and everything else, been as it's quite a narrow area of time as opposed to the other options.

I then had to look at it in terms of my timetable. Last semester, I chose subjects that I loved but it gave me a four day week when everyone else had a three day week. At first I was insulted by that even though I loved the choices I'd made. Now, regardless of what options I choose, I have a four day week. With VB and MEA, I have Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in, with Tuesday off. I can handle that actually, because Tuesday has always been my least favourite day of the week, purely because it's not the start of the week and nowhere near the end either.

So as I'm going in at 10am today, I have a core module lecture at 12, Shaping The Past it's called. I'm totally clueless as to what to expect from it because I've been too busy researching the options. In all honesty, I always panic before a new lecture, whether it's the socially awkward situation of not knowing whether I've got to the right room or lecture, because there's nobody there that I recognise or know, and then there's the fact I have to make friends at this point or the rest of my studies are going to be lonely. I've never had a lonely seminar or lecture to be honest, I've always forced myself to speak up and make friends regardless. I shouldn't worry, but I still do. I've not met a History student at uni so far and I wonder whether I'll fit in. I mean, my hair has its own postcode, I wear skinny jeans and calf-high Converses, a Darkness hoodie and skeleton fingerless gloves. I assume a stereotypical History student to be a kid wearing glasses and trying to overcome a crippling stutter. I'll be swallowing my words when I get out of the lecture, I'm sure. But quite frankly I'm the personification of a Music student and I'm not, so stereotypes are almost never fulfilled.

I'm just hoping I won't get there and he'll tell me that certain modules are full so I have a limited choice of ones I don't particularly prefer. It shouldn't happen, given there's only about 75 History students entirely.

I'm not sure if I'm going to miss English or not. I'll miss a select amount of the people, not a certain person, but I'll miss the rest. Moreover, I'll miss the comfort of knowing enough people so I wasn't alone in lectures or seminars.

Am I scared of being alone? Probably.

As for the subject as a whole, I won't miss the new modules, Critical Reading Poetry just made me want to shoot myself at the mere thought of more critical reading. That was the reason I left English in the first place. Plus I won't miss the enormity of the lectures. They easily filled the entire lecture hall, there must have been 200 of us at least. There's 75 of us in History. I hope that won't make things awkward, and I hope I'm not going to be invading already established cliques and friendship groups. I just hope people are as nice as me and will welcome me with open arms.

I think I've written more of this post than I've ever written in an essay. I'm proud of myself but at the same time my hands don't seem to be warming up. I'd waited for half an hour out in the cold for my bus, and my toes and fingers are still frozen.

2012-01-12T16:50:00.001-08:00

Fuck man. Just, fuck.
I had a great day with Troy, we went down Winchester for the day, had a Subway and met a great friend from college, Kenny.
It went really well.
Til my mum texted me thinking I was drunk because I texted her saying 'yeeees' instead of 'yes'.
Then when I got home she ranted at me for being too skinny, constantly losing weight and going off my food.
I fucking hate being me.
I'm a disappointment.

There's no sound more beautiful than a grand piano in the hands of a genius.

2012-01-10T19:18:00.001-08:00

Anyway. I'm sat in bed at 3am, I just pulled myself away from The Sims on my iPhone. I'm listening to Foxy Shazam - Sky In A Room on loop and it's already become my most played song on my iPhone. It's basically the beautiful Sky White sat at his piano playing whatever comes to his head for two or three minutes.

I seriously respect and envy artists that do just that - sit at a piano and play til their heart's content, while recording it, so regardless of how many bum notes they hit, it's there, recorded. On The Used's DVD album Maybe Memories, Bert recorded Sometimes I Just Go For It, which is exactly the same concept. I now know both of my all-time favourite bands have done my favourite of all compositions. Improvisation. In my opinion Sky is more talented than Bert in that field but it doesn't take any credit away from each of their pieces. Sky's is more elaborate and along the same note tone, whereas Bert's is a lot less accurate but ranges in emotions, from slamming the deepest keys at will to gently pressing the highest keys.

It's late.

2012-01-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

What's going on in the real world at the moment?
No, seriously, what's going on? I think I've been cemented to my sofa since Saturday evening and I don't quite know what fresh air tastes like any more. I think the next time I step out the door, I might just kiss the dirt.
I have to start university on Monday. Without knowing what course I'm doing. Yay for confusion!
I'm just about to hop into bed so I'll finish this post in a minute...

Now comes my day of Wreckoning...

2012-01-09T18:11:00.001-08:00

It's ironic that the reality of it only sank in when I was listening to Day Of Wreckoning by Escape The Fate.

I'm moving out. For the first time ever, I'm going to spend the night in my own bed in an entirely new place, but instead of waking up to my mum stomping up the stairs, I'll turn to my side and see my boyfriend.

I can't even contemplate the fact I'm moving in with a guy, because my poor frazzled mind can't stretch to that right now. Leaving the loo seat up, leaving pretty much everything kicking around because let's face it, girls have hygiene standards, especially this one, she carries bloody hand sanitizer with her on a daily basis.

Anyway, the point that's hit me is that I'm going to be waking up next to someone. For the first time, I'll be waking up next to Troy. It's slowly sinking in that I'll be waking up every morning to him going out to work at an obscene hour in the morning that I daren't even speak its name for fear it actually exists.

He's going to see me at my worst. Without makeup, I can handle that. It's the rest. Unwashed hair, unshaved arms and legs, unplucked eyebrows, pre- and post-shower, bad hair day, flat hair day, just as I wake up, just as I go to sleep, while I'm sleeping. And that's just the physical side. He's going to see my most furious anger, my frustration, my depression, my ecstasy, my indifference.

It's not that I'm worried about him seeing me like that, I'll gladly be myself around him 24/7, I would never act. What I'm worried about is what he'll think. Whether he'll change his mind and go back to his parents because he's realised what an ugly person I really am underneath all the makeup and behind the mask of daylight.

Today.

2012-01-09T17:23:00.003-08:00

I'm not sure what kind of a mood I'm in today. I'm a little dazed.

To start with, I have some good news. My friend who works behind the bar at the pub I went to on New Years Eve, dressed up in my casino dress, messaged me on Facebook to say I'd won the best dressed competition that night. I've been used to losing fancy dress competitions lately, so I was really really pleased with myself for this one. This didn't take half as much effort as the Halloween one did but it was something I was a lot more comfortable in, because that's the casino theme that I'm in love with, I love Vegas, everything about it, and that's the main reason why I had that dress in the first place. So anyway, I don't exactly know what kind of prize I'm supposed to be expecting for winning, but I'm going down on Thursday night with Troy to go and claim it. It's taken the pub a while to trace me, because I remember there was a woman on the event page on Facebook asking who won the competition, and the pub replied that they would let people know as soon as they had let the winner know. It's confusing because I know one of the girls behind the bar, she knows me, it's not like we're strangers. It's taken them over a week, but I'm not complaining, at least they still tracked me down! I'll bet the prize is something like a pack of cards, or a shot, or something silly like that.

Speaking of Vegas actually, I watched Fools Rush In today, one of my favourite movies of all time. It's just my idea of heaven, Vegas, Mexico, everything. Okay, maybe my obsession with Mexico isn't healthy and not exactly realistic, because Mexico has a reputation for not being the nicest place on earth, but it's more the Dia De Los Muertos that attracts me. I actually would love to learn Spanish if I had the time.

But anyway. I'm not sure what else I have left to say actually. I'm just waiting around for Thursday when I get to spend the day with my gorgeous Troy! It's still slowly sinking in that we're moving in together in March. We haven't found a place just yet, well there's one right near both our houses and the sign is still up outside it but it isn't being advertised online anymore. He's going to give the agents a ring soon so we can get our foot in the door.

What am I more scared of? It isn't the fact that I'll be moving in with a guy. It's having to break it to my parents and put the facts forward to make them feel like it's better for me. Quite frankly, it's better than living in halls. With halls, I'll be living with 7 or 8 complete and utter strangers, girls AND boys, sharing a bathroom with them, sharing a kitchen with them, paying for everything myself out of my very limited student loan. The only upside would be that I'd be living in the same city as the university I go to. With Troy, I'll be moving in with a guy I've known for 8 years, just the one guy, sharing a bathroom and kitchen with him, he'll be paying most of the rent and bills and I'll just throw in money as and when I can. I know which one is better for me. The question is, do my parents want that for me?

Things That Annoy Me...

2012-01-09T17:23:00.001-08:00

I get annoyed with the tiniest little things that probably shouldn't annoy me but they annoy me beyond all description or angry blogging. For example, how much life has changed since school, how many of my friends have babies now, how many of them have indefinitely screwed up their lives and for what reason? They made a mistake. Not one of them would go back and not change said mistake. None of them have had children that ultimately define them as parents. It sickens me. And something else that annoys me - stupid people at university. Not only my fellow English students who can't spell the simplest of words, but also the staff. There are staff receiving spam emails from students asking IT Support questions because they accidentally emailed the entire university infrastructure, not on purpose, but the staff still insist on replying -- on the SAME thread -- that they are 'not sure' why they've been forwarded into the topic. For a start, take a look at the address it's been sent to. It's not been sent to you directly, so ignore it, and move along with your tiny little lives. Oh, and while you're at it, sort out your spelling, you work at a university, you should know how to spell by now. This student of yours can spell better than you. Give me your job, pronto.

Due Date!

2012-01-08T06:15:00.001-08:00

I'm watching Due Date for the second time, and I still love it. I'm getting slightly obsessed with it, it's probably not healthy. This is how I acted over The Hangover though, and I haven't seen the second part of that, although if all goes to plan I'll be watching it on Thursday with Troy!

Uh-oh...

2012-01-08T03:43:00.001-08:00

The awkward moment when you write a Facebook status about someone, 'surely because you're at university studying English, you should've learnt to spell by now *facepalm*' and the person you're referring to 'likes' it.

Due Date?

2012-01-08T03:42:00.001-08:00

So I was on Tumblr last night and I searched 'due date', as in my new favourite film with Zack Galafianakis and Robert Downey Jr, only to find a million and one posts from women about their due dates. At first I thought to myself 'well that's cute. They've written Tumblrs for their babies when they are old enough to read it so they'll recall all the memories of their mum's pregnancy and their childhood'. And then I started looking into a few because I was curious. I was pretty horrified by what I saw. This is a very political opinion by the way and I don't always have them but this time it's emerging, so go ahead, despise me, shout at me, curse. I'm only human.

Every. Single. Girl. I found on there was 17 and 18. They were being congratulated here there and fucking everywhere for their achievement. I'm dreadfully sorry if this offends anyone but I physically cannot STAND teenage girls who don't take the right precautions. Maybe I've grown up in an environment where my mum was 29 when she had me, and I've been taught to work hard in my life rather than have a baby and let the council do it all for me, hand me a house on a plate, that kind of thing.

Perhaps it works the other way for some girls, I'm not denying that. One of these girls actually had the balls to argue with someone saying that she had a baby at 17 and another now at 18, and she's going to graduate high school in 2013. Excuse me but I just don't see her valid argument here. She has two children before she's even hit her 20th birthday. Sorry, I have an infernal hatred of girls that do this by choice.

Food.

2012-01-08T03:26:00.001-08:00

It's true what they say, you eat the strangest things when you're not at home. Over my boyfriend's house, I end up eating things like Texas BBQ Rib flavour Doritos, I don't even like Doritos, and burger flavoured Pringles when I don't even like burgers. It's crazy.

ANNOYING

2012-01-07T15:12:00.001-08:00

Descendant*
Sorry, I'll probably read this back in a few months and not understand this, but I have to write it now because it's bugging me right now.

Her hair is on fire!

2012-01-06T19:15:00.001-08:00

This might seem a random thing to blog about but I've had a good old think about it tonight so I want to write about it.

I had to think to myself, why exactly did I start curling / messing up my hair? Was I trying to make a statement? Was I trying to be a female Russell Brand?

Well frankly my mum scrunched my hair for an 80s themed outfit I had for college one day when we had a decades day, just our group of friends.

But that wasn't the real reason.

There was also a time when my gay friends tackled me into letting one of them backcomb my hair and, this is in his words, 'make you look scene baby'. I also had to go to a meeting with my teacher on that day, with messy birds nest hair.

That's also not the real reason.

The truth behind it is I took one look in the mirror one day, just after a bath but I let my hair dry and fall naturally, and I saw the way it curls around my face in places but the rest of it is as straight as a ruler. I looked at the body of my hair, or rather the lack of it, because it was so deadly straight that it had absolutely no bounce or volume.

I stared at the mirror, and I saw someone staring back at me that I didn't like. Someone that claimed to be part of our group of friends at college. Nobody significant, I can't remember her actually doing anything wrong to me, except for maybe being on everyone else's side but mine when I had fallen out with someone. Her name I won't mention. But the point is I looked in the mirror and I saw her.

Words can't physically describe the hurt you feel when you look in the mirror and despise the person that's looking back at you. I'm not saying I hated myself at that point, I hated my resemblance to her. So since then, I dyed my hair any colour to avoid the blonde that resembled her. I bought hair mousse and scrunched my hair every day after that. With the exception of my first week at university where I felt I should keep my hair to a minimum so as not to scare off prospective friends. In hindsight that was a stupid idea because anyone who doesn't like me for who I am really isn't worth the time and shouldn't be called a 'friend' but anyway. That's in the past now. Now I have a Wave Envy that saves me on hair mousse and still defeats that old natural image that haunts me still.

One of these days, I'll grow out of this childish phase. One of these days. Fro now I'm just enjoying my 80s phase.

It's funny really, I'm going through each era. I've spent my teen years in the 70s. Now I'm merging into my twenties and going 80s with the big hair and the skinny drainpipes. I'm the same age as my mum was in the 80s. I'm living her life in fashions. I just hope I'm ready for it when the 90s turns up.

I'll stay awake til I trade my mistakes so they fade away...

2012-01-06T16:50:00.000-08:00

So yeah, err, sorry I don't blog much anymore. It's just my broadband contract is really restrictive, it's 10 gigs for a month, and I've already used 8.15, and I have 10 days left of my contract, so I'm just using it only when it goes into 'free-broadband' mode, between the hours of midnight and 8am.

What's been going on with me lately? Nothing much to be honest. We've had the bad news that my mum can't get that job that my dad's friend had been promising her for months. Now she's screwed for a place to live once our tenancy in this house ends. She's convinced I'm moving out by myself and my dad just goes off and does whatever he wants with his life, so she just wants to know where she can go now.

I'm still waiting on the History lecturer to tell me whether I'm transferring to his course or not. It's actually driving me insane not knowing. I feel pointless. Like each day is a waste of effort.

Oh, and Kik, this new messenger thing, is the worst invention in the history of apps. It should be burnt alive.

Whooooooooooooooa vertigo trip.

Whatever happened...

2012-01-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, just like right now, I sit around and I wonder what happened with 2011. Where it went, how fast it disappeared, what I actually did with it.

Quite frankly, even I don't know.

I immersed myself in a life I didn't want to live in, but I did it for the sake of the people I was surrounded by.

I have photos of my life this past year but I refuse to look at them because of the other person in them.

Long time no see?

2012-01-02T17:31:00.001-08:00

So Troy's going back to work now. I hate this feeling of regret that always surfaces after Christmas, that you didn't do enough to make the holidays worthwhile. I shouldn't really feel that way because me and Troy have had a fantastic Christmas together and I can't thank him enough for everything he's done for me this holiday.

I think this really has been the best Christmas for me because I now live in the middle of the town so it's possible for me to see people more frequently than once a fortnight as before when we used to live in the village out in the sticks. This Christmas I found myself going out every other day to see Troy and that's made my Christmas much more eventful than it would have been if I wasn't here. For a start it helps that Troy only lives about 10 minutes walk from me, so when I tell my mum I'll be in at a certain time, we only walk down quarter of an hour earlier. Plus I'm not relying on lifts home so I can just walk home and that's saving me so much.

I'm quite sad he's going back to work. We saw each other so much, we had a night out before Christmas Eve, I went over his house on Christmas Day, we spent New Years Eve together. We've shared every important moment together. We've made the most of it.

But he's gone back. Now I only get I see him on Saturdays and whenever I can get out after he's back from work in the evenings. I know that sounds ungrateful of me, at least I haven't got a long-distance relationship. I think what makes me and Troy strong is that we see each other so often and we don't get bored of each other, we don't wind each other up, we value each moment like its our last.

I still wish he didn't have to go back. I already miss his eyes, the way we cuddle up on the sofa, the way he breathes near my ear and sends shivers down my spine, the way he tells me he loves me, the way I twiddle his hoodie strings, the way I have to push back his hat when it ends up over his eyes.

He's taking two days off work soon, and we planned to go to London to see the London Eye, the British Museum and Camden market, but we realised I don't get my student loan through til a few days later so it's a bit of a waste of his money when I can't pay for anything. Instead we're thinking of just cuddling up on the sofa, which is quickly becoming our favourite thing to do these days, and the next day going to his friends for a Mexican night.

I already miss him. It wouldn't be so hard to adjust if I had texts left so I could contact him while he's using his work phone.

We had a beautiful day yesterday as always. We had a nice walk around Whitchurch for once, and we started off going up to the houses that Troy grew up in, just up from our old school, and we had a good wander through the school grounds on the way, saw Troy's name when he scratched it into a brick on a wall, and I'm sure I did one too but I can't remember where I did it! We went up round the town, saw the world's longest staircase, places where Troy used to act like a twat when he was younger. It's strange seeing the place I went to school in but I never saw it this way because I lived outside the town and I had to be picked up by my parents every day. We went up to the train station, saw a beautiful rainbow, and then went back to his to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Admittedly there were parts I wish I hadn't seen but it's too late now! Anyway, it's only loosely based on some sick twisted man who died in the 80s, although that doesn't stop pricks copying it. But I'm proud of myself for watching it and also eating BBQ rib Doritos at the same time!

Anyway. I don't know why it's getting to me, I start university again in two weeks. It's just weird going back to reality. I never realise the freedom of Christmas until its too late.

Speaking of university, I'm going slowly insane not knowing whether they're letting me transfer to History. If they leave it down to the wire and I have to go to English lectures for the first week or so, I'm just going to bluntly refuse to go.

It's 1am and I'm up listening to Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows. Currently 'A Little Kiss And Tell', as if you care. Whoever you out there reading this. How are you? What's on your mind right now? Why is this blogger asking rhetorical questions? Is she expecting a response? I am actually, but I doubt I'll get one.

Want to know how I am? I'm slightly tired and my eyes are slowly straining. My hands are hurting because I'm holding my phone up for so long. My throat is feeling strangely tickly because I feel like I have a scratch on the back of my throat so I took some cough mixture a while ago. My eye just started watering. My left one. The one I'm convinced needs seeing to.

When we opened some leftover crackers as we usually do on New Years Day, I got a pirates eye patch toy, and I put the patch over my right eye. As my left eye adjusted, it appeared like the image was slowly morphing into that snowy image you used to get on television when there was a bad signal. Don't worry, I'll go to the opticians about it when I can. I've got too much to consult people about lately. Alongside my dodgy left little finger that can't join up with my other fingers when I put my hand up.

Last night, me and my mum were going through family photos, as we like to every Christmas and days when we're feeling down. She found photos of herself in the late 80s, and as we're always told, I look the spitting image of her, and it's ironic that I've picked up the messed-up hair and criminally black makeup which she has in the photo too. Oh and she found a photo of me not too many years back when I seemed to look like John Lennon. Worrying?

We also found a photo of my Great Uncle Bill, who owned a farm up in Wales on a mountainside, he was in the Canadian Air Force in the war, and alongside him in the beautiful 40s portrait is his wife, Juliette, his Belgian wife who spoke French, Flemish and Dutch. He looks quite like Peter from Coronation Street. I found a photo of my dad's grandparents when they were quite young, and it may make me laugh but I'm sure grandad would take offence to it, he looks so much like Penfold from Dangermouse! Oh and while I'm at it, I have finally seen what my grandad looks like! I've spent my life not knowing who he is, my dad's father, I just know he's Irish and that he left when my dad and his sister were very young. Anyway, I found this photo of him and he doesn't look much like me or my dad, but it's just nice to see my grandad that I've never seen before. Seeing his face that I could never put to his name in my mind. I'm at peace.

Crikey I've written a lot tonight! It's now 1.31. And I'm tired :)

Unpopular opinion.

2011-12-31T18:37:00.003-08:00

So I’ve followed MCR since Bullets, and I feel sorry for the ‘number one fans’ that turned up around Danger Days because it was surrounded in popularity and bright colours. They’ve missed so much and they won’t ever feel the pride I did when I sat back and watched all their music gaining popularity and recognition.

I remember those guys when they spoke of vampires before that image was ruined by sparkle and Kristen Stewart. I remember listening to Drowning Lessons and drinking in its beauty, the opening notes, the morbid, horrific images it conjured in my almost-teen mind.

I remember those guys when they were just fuelling the angry teenager stage with Revenge. You only need to listen to Thank You For The Venom to understand that. There wasn’t a life-saving meaning behind it, as far as I was concerned it was just making me realise that someone else out there felt as rejected as I did. I remember listening to Helena for the first time and not knowing what to think, was this band making the best funeral ever just for the hell of it? Or was there a meaning behind it?

I remember being more excited for The Black Parade than anything else in my entire life. I bought the CD on the first day it came out and I never usually did that. I thought that was only for sad kids that had nothing better to do than wait outside a HMV. I sat with baited breath and heard the heart monitors of The End, and I was hooked. The culture of the Black Parade persona fascinated me to my core. At one point I even convinced myself that the parade was real and that I hoped they’d be there when I die, to collect me, to save me. I heard the haunting notes of Famous Last Words, and realised I was awake and unafraid. I had something to look forward to. Life.

My Chemical Romance didn’t always have a life-saving effect on me. But they changed my life from the moment I first heard Gerard’s voice. I wasn’t alone.

Tl;dr best funeral ever.

The Used - Maybe Memories.

2011-12-31T18:37:00.001-08:00

To sum up my views of the DVD, I'm going to paste the text I just sent to my boyfriend who bought me it for Christmas.

'Right, honestly? As much as I love The Used because of how much they've done for me, I can't begin to describe how angry it made me really. For a start, Bert back then looks TOO much like Greg (my ex). I mean seriously, there's not a single PORE thats different between them. Thats the last thing I need to see when I see the guy that saved my life. And on the other hand, there's the way it's made. They were back in the days when they were grappling for popularity like any band, but seeing them resort to nagging fans waiting outside their gigs to sing one of their songs to prove they're popular, it's just not right.'

Baby please come home...

2011-12-31T18:36:00.001-08:00

So it's now 2012! I hope this year will be good, better than the last one anyway!

I had a lovely night seeing in the new year with Troy and the in-laws :)

We started off at Troy's and had a gorgeous pizza, then went down to his cousin's house, who surprisingly lives not too far from me. She's lovely, and her boyfriend is a right laugh, I go on well with them. Troy's friend Mike an his girlfriend, who I swear I recognise from school, came along too but they were being pretty antisocial so it was a little pointless.

I dressed up, stupidly, as a queen of hearts like I did two Halloweens ago because it was a themed new year party at the local, The Real Deal, where everyone was supposedly going dressed as playing cards, but I was the only one that made an effort. And I mean the ONLY one. We got down there and spent an hour or two there, when Troy's cousin's ex husband turned up and we swiftly left. We headed to the Kings but that was even more shit, so we just went back up to Troy's house and had the BEST night. The town was rubbish but just curling up on the sofa bed with my boyfriend watching TV beats anything. We watched Paranormal Activity 2 so I could get over my stupid phobia of the dark ever since I saw that movie last year in the cinema. I must say it fucking worked because Troy was led next to me pissing himself laughing at every little thing that happened! He's taught me to laugh at it now, so I think it's had the desired effect!

Anyway we sat in his back garden smoking while we could hear the countdown being shouted down the square. The fireworks were pretty (what we saw of them) and I just generally had a fantastic night. I wish we'd stayed in all night but we've learnt from that mistake now. No more drinking. We had about 5 drinks and I wasn't even the slightest bit tipsy or fuzzy. I even texted my mum near midnight to say happy new year and that I loved her, to which she replied, 'you drunk?'. Even my mum doesn't trust me when I say I love her!

Anyway. I've got a good year ahead of me and I hope it will be much better than 2011. It's bound to have its downfalls but what year doesn't?

So this is the new year...

2011-12-30T08:33:00.001-08:00

So this is my last real day of 2011. I'll be out with Troy all tomorrow to celebrate the new year with a playing card fancy dress party down the local. So here's my last post of 2011, and here's my summary of what kind of a year it's been for me, Ali. I can't say it's been an easy year but I've learnt so many life lessons that I can't say I would want to forget it, ever.

I started the year lonely, for the first time in 3 years, I sat at home, with my mum on the sofa beside me. In previous years I had kissed my ex at exactly midnight and spent the entire year with him. Alas, I was alone this new year. I guess that was a sign of how I was going to spend the rest of 2011. Not alone, but lonely.

I also started the year in a relationship with someone I had met in my previous job at an office. I unfortunately wasted 8 months of 2011 with him, but it's okay, I shook him off eventually and I haven't heard from him. That is, since he contacted me in November informing me that him and his family were reporting me and another girl from that office to the police because we were allegedly threatening him and his family. The other girl was later arrested and informed that if she or anyone she knew spoke to that family, she would be arrested and charged with assault. I heard nothing from the police thankfully, although it put me under immense stress at a time I could have done without it - when my coursework for university was due.

In February, I got a job in Homebase and kept hold of it for 6 months before a complication with a team leader forced me to leave. I started off as a garden centre assistant and ended up as a garden centre assistant slash shop floor assistant. If I had stayed any longer, I reckon I would have been given more responsibilities because they knew I could handle lots of things at once. I vividly remember standing around the garden centre, watering the bedding plants, then hearing the tannoy beckon me to the paint mixing machine, and I half ran inside to my next job. That was an entirely new feeling for me, and I'm glad to have learnt that I am professionally reliable.

In the months that followed, I dated a colleague from Homebase, who made me feel like a princess, until he walked away under the excuse he hadn't fallen out of love with an ex, also a colleague. He returned three days later and I was lonely, so I stupidly accepted his apology. He used to drive to university and pick me up after a lecture, or he would drive to my road and take me to university and drive me home after. He was probably the first down-to-earth relationship I ever had. We never once told each other we loved each other, because it was too soon and quite frankly we didn't. We knew not to rush into things like that, words mean little when we only saw each other once every fortnight at best. He left to go on a roadshow with Homebase for a month and that month gave me enough time to think about what we were doing and where we were going, so I came to the conclusion of nothing and nowhere.

In September, I started my course at the University of Winchester, BA English. I started off all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, eager to resume studying after spending (or rather wasting) a year out of education. Four weeks in and my smile faded, and I contacted my tutors in the hope I could transfer my course to BA History instead, something that would captivate me and keep me on my toes, as opposed to English which didn't even interest me and the only thing that challenged me was the deadlines.

On a night out for Halloween, 28th October, after a few weeks of texting and chatting and catching up, I realised what had been sat in front of me for 8 years but I never took my chances with him. Troy. I got slightly inebriated, dressed up as a skeleton, and told him I wanted this, us. We've been happily dedicated ever since. We genuinely want to spend our lives together. And this feeling, just cannot be beaten.

On 17th November, I went to see my two favourite bands - The Darkness and Foxy Shazam. Admittedly, I went to see The Darkness primarily but once I found out who Foxy were, I preferred them so much more.

I had the best Christmas Day ever. No arguments, no shouting, crying, anything. I went over Troy's for half the day and it was magical.

I learnt to take chances, but at the same time think before I do something. I learnt to be myself because nobody's going to like the person I pretend to be. I learnt that no matter what, I have to believe in myself, because I'm not going to change. I learnt that I'm not ugly and fat, and I don't have to keep thinking that, because people only assume it's my way of attracting attention. I learnt that keeping a private blog keeps me content with my life. I learnt that I can stand tall and be proud of who I am.

Maybe Memories DVD

2011-12-27T08:04:00.001-08:00

It's about time I explained why I was so annoyed with The Used's first DVD. Well, not only was it filmed back in the days when they were grappling for popularity, as any band does, but it's painful to watch my favourite band struggling to get attention. To the point that they sent a cameraman into the crowds outside their shows to ask them to sing a song by The Used, to make them look more important.
Also, it's back when Branden was in the band. And I hate myself for thinking of it in this way, because when I first got into The Used, I actually thought their music back when they had Branden was a lot edgier and captivating, so I liked him. But now, seeing him on camera, and the faces he pulls, the whole atmosphere about him, his attitude -- it doesn't fit in with what I know of The Used, they love their music and they live for their music. He's a different style to them. And to me, it seems uncomfortable to watch them when he's sitting behind the drums trying to be the next Joey Jordison.
I'll mention this briefly because I don't want this to ruin my blog with bad memories, but Bert back then looks like my ex, Greg. It's scary how similar they are. There's not a single pore out of line.
The music back then was beautiful, yes, because of course they had Blue and Yellow and On My Own, but it just seems like they've prioritised live performances of songs that were inconsequential to the album, like Say Days Ago. If there had been a recorded version of Blue and Yellow, I'd be jumping for joy and I wouldn't care about all the above points.
Blue and Yellow was the song that changed my life, saved my life. I was sat in my room aged about 13, with a craft knife in my hand, staring at my legs and wrists, where I still had cuts from the last time. I was at rock bottom. I was convinced the next cut was going to be deeper than all the others. I leaned over to put in my headphones to hear something that was going to help me, make it easier. Then Blue and Yellow came on. And I stopped. I dropped the knife, and I stared at the wall. The wall that I would never have seen again if I had done it. It saved my life. The beautiful notes that Bert reaches. Every little thing about it. Saved. My. Life. And one day I want to thank the boys for it.

Christmas Day.

2011-12-25T17:33:00.000-08:00

So it's officially been the BEST Christmas EVER.

Starting the day, I woke up and my dad came home for about 10 minutes so we could open our presents together, I got my mum a Superman mug and a Michael Buble CD I knew she'd love. My parents got me a LOAD of stuff so I'll just put up photos in the vain hope that anyone who reads this will be jealous.

These are our amazing crackers, aren't they cute? I love patchwork Christmassy things like those corny jumpers that your grandmother knits you.

The Stephen Poliakoff DVD might seem random to you but it's not for me. I saw this on TV years ago, it was only shown once, and it was truly beautiful. I can't put it into words, I just can't. You have to watch it to understand its beauty.

I wasn't sure what to think of the Wave Envy at first, but actually it's fucking amazing. The first time I put it to my hair, I thought I looked like a 20s flapper girl and I was actually upset at how it came out, but once I'd run my fingers through the waves, it all came apart and looked a lot like the looser waves I'm used to making with my scrunching technique. And it doesn't require hair mousse, just hairspray, and that's gonna save me SO much on product.

I have a Barry M obsession, so this was perfect for me :)

I always loved Heroes but I hated what it developed into after the first series, so this was the best one, and I've been looking to get it for years but never got around to it.

My mum got this make-up bag of free No.7 products but gave me the bag, and it's bloody pretty.

If I don't have excessive amounts of sugar, it ain't Christmas.

As I mentioned previously, I love those corny Christmas patterns, and these shorts are gorgeous. They're pyjamas, and they're also on top of a pile of a load of pyjamas. I wear pyjamas a lot.

And then I went over to Troy's, and I had a fantastic time. His family bought me a massive set of footcare things with fluffy slippers, which was totally adorable!

Now this is the best part - what Troy bought me. He got me both The Used's Maybe Memories DVD and My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade Is Dead DVD, and I LOVE them, I honestly can't describe how I feel when I watch band DVDs, it makes me feel like they're even more real than just a few guys in a band making music that's saved my life. It's 1.30am on Boxing Day and I'm sat in my living room, on the floor next to the TV, typing this and watching Maybe Memories on the TV.

I could NOT be happier. I've had the BEST fucking Christmas EVER. I haven't had a Christmas this good before. Full. Stop.

My Christmas Eve has been eventful!

2011-12-24T17:34:00.001-08:00

It's officially Christmas Day! And I'm sat in bed listening to the BEST Christmas playlist I've EVER made. Here's what it consists of:

Fall Out Boy - Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
Wednesday 13 - Buried By Christmas
A Day To Remember - Right Where You Want Me To Be
All Time Low - Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass
Street Drum Corps - Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
The Used - Alone This Holiday
MCR - All I Want For Christmas
The Maine - Ho Ho Hopefully, Last Christmas and Santa Stole My Girlfriend
Motionless In White - Santa's Pissed
Tom McRae - Wonderful Christmas
Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas
3 Feet Smaller - Last Christmas
For All Those Sleeping - Maybe This Christmas
Breathe Carolina - Mile High Christmas
Corey Taylor - X-M@$
The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

And of course, the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, including Fall Out Boy's 'What's This?'.

It's the same every year, I'm ready for Christmas on Christmas Eve and then it only lasts a day.

Christmas Eve!

2011-12-24T05:40:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas eve!

I went out last night.
I've decided.
I don't want to drink anymore. I'm sick of this feeling. Sitting in bed with a fucking horrific headache, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, biting down on my teeth too hard, the laboured breaths after I've smoked too much, embarrassment at how I acted while tipsy/drunk, fidgeting more than ever, knowing I'll wake up tomorrow with a worse headache, near-suicidal mood and just a bad feeling that I wasted too much money the night before. I even have a playlist for a night when I know I won't be able to sleep because I've been drinking, consisting of slow MCR, Fall Out Boy and Green Day songs to name a few. I'm sick of it. I haven't missed it. And quite frankly alcohol doesn't even give me a buzz when I'm drinking it. I lose my natural energy from the moment I walk into a pub. I'm the kind of person that just needs sugary drinks and hairspray fumes to keep me alive. No alcohol-fuelled night has ever been worth it. The buzz I get from spending time with Troy is better than anything could ever give me.

This morning I woke up with a massive bruise on the back of my head from where my friend David hit me with a glass, and I also have a bruise on my wrist where my friend David tried to snap one of my bracelets. Funny that.
But yeah. We didn't actually do much last night.
I started up at Troy's house, eating pizza and meeting his legend of a granddad. Then we went down the Hart and met one of his friend's parents, who were drunk after drinking since 12 and we arrived at 8. The father called me 'furry nipples' for some reason and the mother was just being a general weirdo. Anyway. We caught up with friends and bundled up to the Prince. Not much happened up there except for me failing to down two jaegerbombs, I'm not all that good with massive amounts of drink downing. Although I have to say, I've never found energy drinks affect me. Nor does coffee. Maybe I load myself with caffeine in my drinks everyday so they just don't have the chance to affect me.
Anyway, my good friend Robin had to catch a train home at half 11 so we made our way up to the train station, while watching him trying and failing to walk because he'd had wayyy too much to drink. At one point he handed me his phone to type a message to his family to get them to pick him up, but I have an iPhone, he has a Blackberry, so my typing was worse than his when he was pissed. He managed to bundle onto the train and squish himself up against the doors.

It's now Christmas eve and I had a pot noodle. I'm now watching The Santa Clause 2. Awesome times!

I'm going to spend Christmas with Troy tomorrow :)

If I could trade mistakes for sheep, count me away before you sleep...

2011-12-22T17:20:00.001-08:00

It's 1am and for some strange reason, I feel like blogging. Hardly a bad thing but anyway.

I'm not sure I'm feeling the whole Christmas thing tomorrow night, I don't even know if we'll bother going down town, I think we'll just stay in. I just get really lethargic in the run-up to Christmas and I don't even feel like walking out the door, let alone all the way up the hill to Troy's house. Lazy me!

Tl;dr lazy.

I'm loving two apps at the moment - Magic Guitar and Magic Piano. I remember downloading Magic Piano when it first came out just because I wanted a way to play the piano on my old iPod touch (I mustn't call it that out loud, it's sat next to me and it has very sensitive feelings, and besides it's not old, it's just relegated to the sidelines because I have an iPhone), but now it's become more my kind of thing thanks to the new game mode. They're both guitar and piano versions of Tap Tap, my ultimate favourite app. I love the sounds of a grand piano and an acoustic guitar and because I can't play them, it's great to hear them manipulated by me even though they're on my iPhone.

Tl;dr manipulated.

Should I dye my hair a crazy colour sometime in the new year? I'll probably revert back to black sometime but maybe I need a change. Blue? Purple? I'd love purple so fucking much. But it's whether my hair would strip of its colour and morph into purple is the problem. Maybe it's just being stupid even contemplating it, because it reminds me of the ex I'd forgotten about until now.

Tl;dr morph.

This is another person I'm talking about now, by the way. This is addressed directly to him -
I swear to god, if you DARE come crawling back to me pleading for a third chance after you made the same mistake again, you're gonna be getting the biggest shock of your LIFE. You will NOT know what's hit you. You'll have to enjoy the view from your hospital bed though. No doubt about that. But anyway. I'm not a pushover anymore, I don't go running back to you when I have issues. I deleted your number with the sole purpose of getting you out d my life. You're even blocked on my Facebook. Thankfully you haven't thought to use emails to get to me, but then again, nobody does. You're not the brightest crayon in the box. You couldn't even think about ringing me even when I don't have your number anymore. In fact, I've shot myself in the foot, because if a strange number rings me, I'm more likely to naively answer it than when I had you as a contact, I'd have ignored your calls. Anyway. You were never intelligent enough to think past my traps. Shame. That's probably why you ran back to her. You didn't know how to handle my sarcasm and psychological torture. That's a shame. You had such potential. That's a lie by the way. I'm the happiest I've ever been without you and I really can't even imagine your face anymore. You're gone forever. Thank you, you twat.

Tl;dr twat.

Still hooked on Panic!s new album. That and some of Pierce The Veil, Escape The Fate and of course, my beautiful boys, Foxy Shazam. Who are releasing their new album next month! I'm buzzing, I really am! Know why? Because it means they might come back to the UK on tour next year with it! And this time I won't let Eric just walk past me. This time I'll dance around and sing my heart out like its where I belong, in the crowd in front of them. I'm so excited to see them again, I'll be waving round like a jellyfish. A glam jellyfish. They're touring with The Darkness over in the US of A in the new year and I feel a strange sense of pride for them. It may be their home continent but it's still amazing to see them supporting an amazing band even though they should be the headliners.

Tl;dr glam jellyfish.

I love using tl;dr! In case you didn't notice...

Blog a day?

2011-12-22T10:13:00.001-08:00

I've consistently blogged at least once or twice every day for the past week and that's unusual for me! I'm going to try and keep this up until I go back to university in January. I'm loving it really, being able to blog about anything and everything that I feel like talking about every day. I love it. I'm comfortable talking to a non-existent audience.

Anyway! Today is one day closer to Christmas! Tomorrow I'm going to spend the evening with Troy but we can't seem to decide whether we're staying in or whether we're going out to the pub for the night. All I can say is I want another pizza. The pizza place in town isn't bad, everyone used to say it was horrific but we've had two pizzas from there so far and they're lovely. Better than the chinese if you ask me.

I can't decide whether to wear something snazzy because it's Christmas. I have a lovely short blue sequin dress and I have tonnes of glittery makeup that I could wear with t. I'm too indecisive for words.

2011 Reflection Challenge

2011-12-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

Day 1: A few things you will never forget in 2011.
Day 2: Relationship(s).
Day 3: The best day.
Day 4: The worst day.
Day 5: The most memorable moment.
Day 6: Your best friend(s).
Day 7: Your birthday.
Day 8: The funnest getaway.
Day 9: The end of last school year/the beginning of this one.
Day 10: New Year resolutions.

Day 1: A few things you will never forget in 2011.

Foxy Shazam and The Darkness, November 17th 2011.

Halloween 2011, losing the fancy dress competition to a guy dressed as Beetlejuice, but regaining something I'd lost 8 years previous.

Starting university and meeting some incredible people.

Getting the love of my life back.

Day 2: Relationship(s).

Tom - November 2010 - August 2011.

Rich - August - October 2011.

Troy - October 31st 2011 - present :)

Day 3: The best day.

November 17th. Foxy Shazam and The Darkness :)

Day 4: The worst day.

July 16th.

Day 5: The most memorable moment.

I might have been slightly tipsy but I'll never forget the moment I told Troy that I wanted to go for it seriously with him. We were stood out in the (almost) rain in the car park of the pub, 28th October.

Day 6: Your best friend(s).

Troy, Becca, Mana, Sophie, Megan, Rosie, David, Josh.

Day 7: Your birthday.

Nothing special. I can't remember doing anything for it. Didn't get any presents really.

Day 8: The funnest getaway.

I didn't have one!

Day 9: The end of last school year/the beginning of this one.

I left school 3 years ago. But starting university was good.

Day 10: New Year resolutions.

To take more photos, write more, give university my best shot.

No social life.

2011-12-21T17:41:00.001-08:00

So even my phone agrees that I have no friends.

Vale Decem.

2011-12-21T17:38:00.001-08:00

You know, I'm the most comfortable I've EVER been with my life right now. Every little thing is falling into place and I couldn't be happier.

My exes have all dropped out of my life, I've deleted their numbers, blocked them on Facebook where they haven't already blocked me.

I have the most perfect boyfriend in existence. He's been in my life for 8 years and I was blind to let him go the first time but I won't make the same mistake again. He makes me happier than I thought was possible. His family are lovely and I never thought I'd get on with someone's family as well I do with his.

I love my parents and I'm blessed to still have both my biological parents.

I have nothing to hide anymore, I'm a different girl. A new Ali. No more secrets. Except what I've got Troy for Christmas.

See, I know this is all honest and true because if I was lying on here, I'd be lying to myself. I never lie to myself.

I finally have the confidence to wear skinny jeans. Now I have the image I've always yearned for but never had the confidence in my figure to actually do it.

I've discovered Subway.

I have Foxy Shazam. My beautiful boys. And when they come back to the UK, I'll go show them how much they mean to me.

I've finally discovered my niche in music. My boyfriend is a metalhead and he's proud of it. He's hoping to convert me into a metalhead and he calls me a 'memo'.

Oh, and Murray Gold's 'Four Knocks' is a beautiful soundtrack. Accompanied by The Ruined Childhood and The Clouds Pass, they make a perfect end to a perfect series. If only David Tennant could run back and say it was all a big mistake. Or to use the last words of his Doctor, 'I don't want to go...'

Life lessons of 2011.

2011-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Blades Of Glory is one of my favourite Christmas kind of movies. Sure, it's not Christmas-themed but the ice skating is enough, right?

So it's almost the end of 2011, and what have I done with this year?

Well, I learnt a fair few life lessons.

Don't trust a guy with hair that changes colour every time you see him.
A job's a job, not a lifestyle. It doesn't have to command every little thing you do. You have a life other than a job.
Sometimes it's best to keep things to yourself.
Just because it's in the past, doesn't mean it should stay there. I'm referring of course to Troy, the man I thought I'd lost 8 years ago.
Life goes on. Really, it goes on. So stop dwelling on things I think will affect you forever, because chances are they won't.
This is my last full year of being a teenager, so it's okay to make mistakes.
It won't hurt to delete my Facebook. Even if I do start over and keep the friends that mean the most to me.
Family are more precious to me than I used to think.
English is not the route I want to go down. History is my thing.
I'm good at face painting and I should keep it up.
I have a lot more confidence in myself thanks to Troy.
I can wear skinny jeans now I don't think my legs are fat.
I'm not ashamed of my music taste, even if everyone including Troy insults it.
Tumblr is everything.

Christmas is coming...

2011-12-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

So that's all my Christmas shopping done :)

I hope Troy likes his presents :) because he certainly isn't gonna like the wrapping, I'm renowned for my present wrapping failures. So much that my family try to give me instructions on how to wrap but I still get it wrong.

I've probably spent too much this Christmas but the problem is you'll never really know til you see what kind of things you've received from other people. When you see how much they've spent on you, then you either feel guilty for spending too little or you make them feel guilty that you've spent too much. That's why every year I have the perfectly good intention of telling everyone the set amount I'll be spending on them so they can balance it and if they go over or under it, they're getting angry looks. Of course, that's my intention, it doesn't ever happen that way.

Is it just me or...

2011-12-19T06:23:00.001-08:00

Does anyone else have problems with Blogger uploading these days?

When I've made a post that's too long, or left it in another window for like 10 minutes, the 'publish' button doesn't work because it's frozen in the 'saving...' stage.

It actually really frustrates me because I can't use the 'send feedback' button in the bottom corner because it doesn't send the fucking error because it CAN'T.

This is the only reason why I don't use Blogger as much as I would.

What?

2011-12-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Spider-Man, my most watched DVD, and I only just remembered that the actor that played Uncle Ben died not so long ago. Bless him. He seemed like such a sweet man. Oh and James Franco still looks like a baby in this! I still refuse to accept the new Amazing Spider-Man when it comes out. I will never accept anyone other than Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker. Oh and I never grew to like Gwen anyway. Mary Jane, however aggravatingly annoying, is my ultimate love interest for Spidey. I think Spider-Man is the only comic book character I've become attached to. I mean, after dating a comic book geek and being constantly bombarded with information about each and every Marvel and DC character (less emphasis on the DC), I've realised that Parker is the only one I have anything in common with and the others just fade into insignificance.

I think this Christmas is going to be perfect. I really do. I mean, I know it's slightly upside-down because my dad's working on Christmas Day and Boxing Day so we have to have our genuine Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'm going to Winchester on Wednesday to do some last-minute shopping, then I'm taking my mum shopping on Friday so she can grab some last-minute things, then that night I should be going down the local for a Christmas disco with Troy and a few friends.

Plus, have a look at these, a Lantern Festival in China:

Beautiful, right?

Anyway. Hopefully the new year will start well too. Troy's planning on taking a 4 day weekend from work before I start university again, so we can go to London and the British Museum. I can't believe I'm dragging a metalhead to a museum, but it's a fantastic museum and I've never been, so it has to be done before I turn 20. In just under 7 months. I tried to make that sound soon but it really isn't.

Today.

2011-12-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

I love blogging after having a perfect day.
And I really did have a perfect day.
While I was supposed to be meeting an old school friend who didn't turn up, I stayed over Troy's all day.
We watched Jack Frost and then the football came on, and well... now I know not to sit too close to him when the football's on. Man City scored against Arsenal, and Arsenal's his team. So er... I got deafened. He wasn't happy. City won 1-0, and even though I don't watch football, it disappointed even me.

Type nyanit.com before any URL. Epic.WIN.

Drinkify.org. Just do it.

Thoughts of today.

2011-12-17T07:26:00.000-08:00

I slept really bad last night. Went to sleep at about half 3, woke up like fifteen times in the night, checked my phone, sent a text, then slept again.

A few hours ago, my mum sent my dad down to post a few letters in the post box about 3 doors down from us. Half an hour later, he still hadn't come back, to which my mum responded, :
'He's done a bunk, and he's out in his slippers!!!!!'

I'm watching The Hangover for what feels like the millionth time but I still love it. Just the entire concept is perfect.

I should also apologise for my lack of coherent and complicated lexis, I've finished university for Christmas and I go back in a month, so I take my right to act retarded, write like a retard, speak like a retard, sleep in til 12 or later, watch movies all day and sit on the sofa like I can't be parted from it, and all that comes with the lack of routine for an entire month.

Have I ever mentioned how proud I am that I'm known as the female Russell Brand? Everyone at college called me that because I have insanely messed up hair because I like it that way, and on top of all that I pretty much dress like a female version of him too. So I'm happy. I'm proud to be associated with such a legend. I've never once thought him to be a prick like the press has.

So yeah :)

Family.

2011-12-16T17:02:00.000-08:00

Can somebody explain to me why we have to live longer than the generation before us? Just, how can anyone live when their parents have passed on? I just can't get my head around it. I'm the luckiest girl alive, to still have both my biological parents and to still be living with them. My family means everything to me and I don't want to ever lose them.

Sorry. I was just watching Millions and the scene with the boy seeing the ghost of his mother really upset me.

2011-12-15T04:54:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm on thebus to university, my last day of the semester, and hopefully my lastday of my English degree. With any luck, my history essay that I'mhanding in tomorrow will get me onto the History degree that Ishould've applied for in the first place, but we all make mistakes.I've got two of my assignments to hand in today – my book reviewand my fictional writing appendix. The review came up to 6 pagesdouble-spaced, and the appendix was 23. That's probably the longestassignment I've ever done, and it came to about 7460 odd words, whichis almost the length of the 3^rd year FYP, or Final YearProject.

In Whitchurch it wassunny and windy, and now we're in Winchester, it's raining and cold.Well, I'm assuming the cold part, because I'm still on the busobviously.

I'm still working on mypresentation that's due in at 5pm. It's now quarter past 12 so I'mgiving myself a good few hours to get it done because I know how longI sit and debate things, correcting things, deleting whole slidesetc.

I'm half tempted to puta track of Murray Gold's soundtrack on the beginning of the slideshowso that it creates some kind of an atmosphere, because looking at thework I've produced so far, I can't see it being any good. So I needall the outside help I can get.

2011-12-14T16:21:00.001-08:00

And so I have finished my book review and my fictional writing story, appendix and rationale. All that remains is to finish off my presentation for 5pm tomorrow, then to put the final touches to my History essay for Friday, and then that's me finished for this semester! Although I've just luckily remembered that I have an annotated bibliography due in on January 16th for English but that's so far away, I can't even think about it now.

Right now I'm sat in my living room on my own, my parents have both gone to bed, but I chose to stay up and watch 50 First Dates. All today I've had images of Adam Sandler stuck in my head, so I had to indulge my brain tonight.

Now I don't usually do this, but like I mentioned earlier today, I've been reading the Daily Mail Online for a while, and every day there's usually a story that attracts me and I should really blog about it on here but I've just never had the motivation to, or really the time. So here goes.

Today the paper showed photos of the Chinese version of Disneyland which was abandoned before it opened. They're really striking images and I thought I would share them.

Almost...

2011-12-14T06:46:00.001-08:00

I'm now 500 of 1500 words into the book review, and so far I've critically bullshitted my way through. I'm just amazed I've got this far really, I didn't expect to. I've decided to just quote all my relevant lectures, and every goddamn critic mentioned in them, so that'll fatten it out well enough.

In other news, I've had all my Murray Gold tracks playing in the background while I work today, and it's really relaxing. Before I've tried just listening to songs I'm familiar with so I don't have to exactly 'listen' to them, but I still found myself singing along. With soundtracks, I can zone out and zone back into it when I want to and not feel like I've missed anything, but at the same time I've killed the silence of my room that's actually destroyed by the cacophony of my tapping keys.

And yes, I'm now reading the headlines on the Mail Online. It's become a habit I just can't kick. Like the other day, I was watching the X Factor final on ITV1+1 because I'd been in the bath for the first hour. I open my laptop and instinctively click on the Mail Online. I find out who won. I wanted to scream at myself for having such a nasty habit. Plus it's the Daily Mail, and it's a pitiful paper, but quite frankly it's the only newspaper that has a good layout on the web, every other paper's navigation is horrific and I can't get used to it. The Mail is just the text you need, the headlines, the key photo, and that's it until you click on the story you want to read. I don't agree with pretty much anything that's ever written on there but you get the idea.

Back to work I guess! See you in a few hours :)

Book Review.

2011-12-14T05:31:00.001-08:00

I'm onto my last piece of work now, which is a book review of Small Island by Andrea Levy. Not as easy as it sounds. We're given a book review of Small Island and we have to constructively criticize it with all the methods we've learnt over the past few weeks. In all honesty, I haven't been paying attention in my Critical Reading lectures because they've bored me to tears and all I wanted to do was change to History pronto. Well now I'm screwed.

The review we've been given is a consumer review from some website called dooyoo.co.uk, and it's an ordinary housewife-type of woman reviewing the book as if it was just something she picked up because it was on the bestseller list. These kinds of people infuriate me, but at the same time I can't find a way to constructively criticize her without using my 1500 word count on an essay of the failures of 'fizzywizzy's life.

This is why I've never written a consumer review. No, not because I had a premonition that someday, somewhere, an English student will be tearing her hair out reading it. No, because you shoot yourself in the foot. You've purposefully found an outlet on which to rant, your soap box of dooyoo.co.uk, and then you proceed to write something that's hardly critical of the book but at the same time you sit on the fence saying 'wellllll it could've been worse!'. People like these make me want to cry.

Anyway. I've written more words in this blog post than I actually have on the genuine book review. It's due in 3.30 tomorrow, and that doesn't count the queues at the admin office and the printing and the bibliography etc etc. I'm just doomed to fail this one, I know that much, I've come to accept it now.

Bands I've seen live...

2011-12-11T15:27:00.001-08:00

The Used
The Darkness
Foxy Shazam
Crown Jewel Defense
Rise Against
Aiden
The Blackout
Gallows

Not bad for only two gigs in my lifetime…

This month.

2011-12-10T07:52:00.001-08:00

During this past month, I have developed these habits:

Wearing my The Darkness hoodie fucking EVERYWHERE.
Always having a bag of Minstrels on my desk in case of emergencies.
Carrying hand sanitiser because I'm crazy about my hand hygiene.
Keeping a bottle of cough mixture in my room because I've been caught out coughing at 5am too many times lately.
Making paper notes of all my homeworks and putting them on the side of my wardrobe so I can see them and feel bad about how much I have left to do.
Being determined to make the teachers change my degree from English to History because if I have to study English for another minute I'll cry.
Skipping Friday lectures because we don't have any more assessments on that subject and the rest of it is all preparation for years 2 and 3 which hopefully won't apply to me.
Listening to Panic! At The Disco's new album because it's awesome.
Listening to D.R.U.G.S.
Making lists.
Making lists while I should be doing uni work.

2011-12-09T16:00:00.001-08:00

I had a fucking perfect day with Troy today.
We just walked in every single direction around Winchester and just enjoyed each other's company.
I love days like that.
Lazy days when it's just us against the world and nothing else matters.
I really am in love.

Downtime.

2011-12-07T15:25:00.001-08:00

This is probably the first, and maybe only, depressing post you'll find on here. It's just late, I'm on my own in the room because my parents have both gone to bed, which gives me time to think about the finer details of life that I overlook on a daily basis.

I'm not quite sure where I am right now, in terms of my life in general. I can't quite tell whether I'm happy about the way things are going for me, but I can't say I'm down about anything in particular. I suppose I shouldn't make any decisions until I've broken up from university for Christmas. I'm just at a loss. I barely have any Christmas presents sorted, I have loads of things to buy still but it's a case of sneaking it all in my house without my mum noticing, because she has eyes like a hawk and can always see when I'm walking through the house with a massive shopping bag.

Plus it's not easy buying anything for my boyfriend. He's a metalhead who's got pretty much everything. I don't quite know what to do if the things I've found for him don't turn up on time, or he just doesn't like them.

I don't know. I'm struggling here.

Christmas is always my worst time of year. It's strange because it's preceded by my favourite time of year, autumn, which brings Halloween.

Maybe I'm just getting depressed because I've still got this goddamn cold that's been keeping hold of me for three days now.

Maybe I just need time to myself.

Maybe I need a break.

Christmas break soon. Let's see how I feel then.

Today...

2011-12-07T11:45:00.001-08:00

I took out all the books I need for my History essay from the library today. Thankfully, they were all on the same shelves so I didn't spend forever getting lost in there. Only issue, there's one of them that's on a 3 day loan only, no renewal, and guess how much the return fee is if I take it back late? 50p PER HOUR. PER. HOUR. I nearly died at the thought. So I proceeded to start reading the chapter I needed on the bus home so I'll definitely not get into that position.
For some strange reason I started filming the view from the bus window. For five minutes. Weird.
Oh and I've discovered D.R.U.G.S. Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows.
I'm in love.
Craig Owens' voice is just. Beautiful.
I'm so glad my old school friend recommended them.
Oh and I have a day off university tomorrow!
First Thursday I've had free since September!
Although it doesn't really count because I had Wednesday (today) off but I had to go in for the programme committee meeting.
In which I made it clear that I'm changing to History because English SUCKS.

Day something-or-other.

2011-12-06T14:50:00.001-08:00

So the 30 day photos fell flat on it's arse. But I'll keep just updating every day with a different photo. Or a few a day. You lucky things.

Starbucks. I don't go there much any more so it's a rare treat, for me and my camera.

Give me a sign, I wanna believe...

2011-12-06T14:12:00.001-08:00

So I have a dilemma here.
Panic! At The Disco are playing in Southampton in February.
The tickets are only £20 but I have no money til after Christmas.
I want to save my money for Foxy and The Used's new albums which are both due out early next year.
Plus those two bands, my two all-time favourite bands, should be making a return to the UK sometime next year to promote said new albums.
But Foxy and The Used mean more to me than any others.
I'd hate to miss out on them purely because of going to a Panic! gig on what will more than likely emerge to be a whim.

On the other hand, two of my best friends from school are also going to the Panic! gig.
They both drive so that's guaranteed transport.
Plus that's an increased chance of meeting the band because the girls always stay behind to meet members.
Plus the two girls are amazing and I miss them insanely.
Sure, I love Panic!, I really do, their first album kept me going for years.
Their new album is fucking AMAZING, it throws Pretty Odd out of the window.

I drafted this a while ago and never posted it, so...

2011-12-04T07:04:00.001-08:00

I don't believe I'veever blogged about this before, so this will be a first. Despite allmy glam rock and Foxy Shazam that adorns my iPod, there's a fewhidden gems on there too which take my breath away, but I rarely everspeak of them. I'm talking about soundtracks.

For some strangereason, probably down to my innate pessimism, I prefer the sad tracksfrom movies and television than the happier ones. And I only listento soundtracks of movies and shows that I watch regularly andobsessively. So here's one that I recommend to all my fellowpessimists, backing tracks for when the glass really is half empty.

My all-time favouriteis that from the Harry Potter soundtrack of The Half Blood Prince,and it's called Dumbledore's Farewell. It's played just at the momentwhen Dumbledore has been killed by Snape and the crowds of studentsin the courtyard raise their wands to the sky in salute. It's abeautifully haunting track that I'll always love, and I tend to playit when I need to remind myself of the fragility of life, of howimportant it is that I live my life to the full, because nobody knowswhen it might end suddenly, abruptly, without warning. I once found afanvid of The Prince's Tale from Deathly Hallows Part 2 with this asthe soundtrack instead of Snape and Lily, which in a way makes itmore beautiful. It really plays on the emotions of the chapter, infact I'll put a link to it below, because the person that made itdeserves all the awards. They put in a few snippets of audio from thePrince's Tale and it breaks my heart.

Day 3.

2011-12-03T14:05:00.001-08:00

Watching Strictly over Troy's house. Like the bossy girlfriend I am.

Day 2.

2011-12-03T14:03:00.001-08:00

Sorry it's a day late, but my internet was down yesterday. So anyway, this is my dog, and his favourite toy.

Tumblr questionnaire.

2011-12-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
Murray Gold - Vale
My Chemical Romance - Cancer
James Blunt - Give Me Some Love
Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care
Machine Head - Aesthetics Of Hate
Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc.
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Bert McCracken. I want to thank him for everything he's done for me.
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
4) What do you think about most?
Uni work, Troy and Foxy Shazam.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
It's too long to write out, but it's an iMessage from Troy.
6) Do you sleep with or without on?
'Scuse me?
7) What's your strangest talent?
I can type 100wpm? Is that strange?
8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence)
Girls are my least favourite people. Boys have issues.
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Nope. But I've had a story written with me as the main character.
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
7 hours ago. In a lecture.
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
Yes. Steep inclines. Hills, etc.
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Umm nope.
13) What's your religion?
Agnostic.
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Smoking.
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Depends on my mood. I never have enough photos of myself. I have selfish friends.
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favourite band?
Hands down, 100%, The Used.
17) What was the last lie you told?
'I hate you'.
18) Do you believe in karma?
Yes, I do.
19) What does your URL mean?
asleep--or--dead. It's a lyric from MCR - Famous Last Words.
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness - my inability to say 'no'. Strength - sarcasm.
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
David Tennant.
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Nope.
23) How do you vent your anger?
I scream at the ones I love. I blog.
24) Do you have a collection of anything?
Ummm... shag bands?
25) Do you perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Phone call. I HATE online video calls with a passion. But I hate phone calls too.
26) Are you happy with the person you've become?
At times.
27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of my own voice, but I love the sound of a
28) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if I had never gone on a gap year, what if I had just gone straight to Aberystwyth university last year?
29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
No and yes. There's something out there, that's for sure.
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
A chocolate mousse pot. And on the left, a TV remote.
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
My mum's Yankee candle - cherries on snow.
32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
Some flat in Southampton when I was so young, my friend from school got her parents to drive me all the way to the back arse of nowhere, I've never been more scared in my life.
33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
I'm British, so I don't know the difference.
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Jared Leto.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
To learn and teach.
36) Define: Art.
Something that evokes emotions in people, emotions that sometimes we didn't even know we had.
37) Do you believe in luck?
I do indeed.
38) What's the weather like right now?
Dunno, the blinds are shut. It's 11pm so I think it's raining.
39) What time is it?
23:33.
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Nope. Don't drive.
41) What was the last book you read?
Jean Rhys - Wide Sargasso Sea.
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah.
43) Do you have any nicknames?
Ali, Al, OI YOU.
44) What was the last movie you saw?
I genuinely can't remember.
45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
Slipped disk in my spine.
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
No, that's cruel.
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Yes, Foxy Shazam.
48) What's your sexual orientation?
Straight.
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
So many.
50) Do you believe in magic?
No.
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Ohhh yes, more so than anyone probably. I find it near impossible to forgive.
52) What is your astrological sign?
Gemini.
53) Do you save money or spend it?
Both. Depends on my mood.
54) What's the last thing you purchased?
No. 7 concealer in extra fair 002.
55) Love or lust?
Love.
56) In a relationship?
Yessiree.
57) How many relationships have you had?
Too many to count.
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
Yes.
59) Where were you yesterday?
At home.
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes, a bath towel.
61) Are you wearing socks right now?
No, just took them off literally five questions ago.
62) What's your favorite animal?
Sloth.
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Get interested in something they're interested in.
64) Where is your best friend?
Ten minutes walk away from my house.
65) Spit or swallow?(;
Swallow.
66) What is your heritage?
Welsh, Irish, French, Maltese and Egyptian.
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Facebook boyo!
68) What do you think is Satan's last name?
Jones.
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
Yep.
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
No.
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Save the fucking dog. Animals are more important to me than a job.
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
I'd tell my parents and my boyfriend, I'd live my life the way I should always have done - carefree, and first stop = Vegas. No, I'm not afraid of dying.
73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
Love.
74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Foxy Shazam - Unstoppable.
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
6730.
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
The ability to make each other laugh, WITH each other.
77) How can I win your heart?
Like me for who I am.
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Ohhhhh yes.
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Leaving him behind.
80) What size shoes do you wear?
Size 5, UK.
81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
'I told you I was ill'.
82) What is your favorite word?
'Definitely'.
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Blood.
84) What is a saying you say a lot?
'Life goes on'.
85) What's the last song you listened to?
Foxy Shazam - Wannabe Angel.
86) Basic question: what's your favorite color/colors?
Purple.
87) What is your current desktop picture?
A generic Windows 7 icon because I can't change my background on 7 Starter on my netbook.
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
My ex.
89) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
How many times have you had sex?
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Faint.
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Invisibility.
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The Used gig when I sat in the corridor recovering, I wish I had stayed in the crowd and got the change to go up on stage with Bert.
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The two years I spent with my ex.
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
Ummmm... Gerard Way probably.
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Las Vegas baby :D
96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
Nope.
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Nope.
98) Ever been on a plane?
Yep. Only once though.
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Help me.
100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.
manapimp
potrockstomp
funniest10k

iheartfoxyshazam

toptumbles

Day 1.

2011-12-01T15:57:00.001-08:00

A festive tree down by the King Alfred statue in Winchester.

So sing along to my stereo...

2011-11-30T06:09:00.001-08:00

It’s half past midnight, I’m led in bed staring into the blackness listening to my headphones. Any guesses what’s playing in them? No, didn’t think you could. Gym Class Heroes ft Adam Levine - Stereo Hearts. And yes, I’m well aware it’s a far cry from my usual Foxy Shazam and Slipknot. But quite frankly I’m in love with this song and even my inner metalhead is admitting it. I’ve always adored Levine’s individual vocals, he really sings unlike any other. The way he carries notes at the end of lines, verses, choruses, it’s beautiful and haunting. I’ve always loved Maroon 5 for their truly emotional and gritty approach to love songs. They tell it how it happens. Painfully. Not always fast. Sometimes excruciatingly slow. Sometimes smoothly, others the road is rough. And furthermore I’ve always admired their rhythm, they always keep up a good bass beat which keeps me dancing for weeks. For example, Misery. I still dance to that like it’s the first time I’ve heard it. I love music that never changes over time, maturity, location etc. It’s the same song whatever happens.

I’m forgetting to mention Gym Class Heroes in this, purely because I loved them from Cookie Jar, Cupid’s Chokehold and Clothes Off. Maybe that was because the latter two of those featured one of my idols, Patrick Stump. At one point I downloaded every one of their songs to try and see that the rest of their music was as astoundingly catchy as their singles. I was sorely disappointed. Not one other unreleased song caught my attention. They all blended into one and I got bored so fast, I’ve just refused to listen to them since that in protest. But this is my comeback to GCH love. And it’s beaten all the disappointment, so that’s the main thing. All is forgiven.

I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I don’t keep up with popular music anymore. I don’t listen to the radio, I only hear of a song when they play it on a montage on a reality show like Strictly Come Dancing. But it was a few days ago, my mum went out to walk the dog and left me alone. I hadn’t had the TV to myself for months so I made use of it - watched music channels.

And whadda you know? Stereo Hearts plays. I fell in love right there.

I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. It’s 00:43. Goodnight world :)

The photo that changed me.

2011-11-29T11:49:00.001-08:00

This photo right here changed everything about me. I realised who I was becoming and I fucking HATED it. This is me and two lovely girlies from uni, oh and Danny Domino, but anyway, in case you didn't know, I'm the one on the right, with the black hair.
Looking at this still angers me. My hair's a mess, it's straight and I've never liked my hair straight but it was the beginning of university so I felt I had to keep a little normality somewhere.
I'm wearing a bright blue top with an oversized baseball varsity jacket, clashing colours, clashing styles, clashing everything.
Sleeves rolled up, looking like a complete and utter masculine, butch ball of testosterone that belongs on the pitch grunting and hollering.
The pose. The toothless grin from ear to ear, the thumbs-up that still makes me cringe seeing it.

And the weird thing is, this was only taken less than 3 months ago. I've made such a dramatic change from then and I couldn't be more proud of myself. It's taken me years to sort myself out, but I'm done now, and I can't imagine going back to this, never.

Photo a day...

2011-11-28T15:34:00.001-08:00

I think I'll take part in a photo-a-day thing next month. Even if it is a Wednesday when I'm at home with nothing to photograph but my feet.

Here I stand.

2011-11-28T13:36:00.001-08:00

I'm not best pleased with myself today.

So a lot has happened really, and I should be proud of myself somehow, but quite frankly, I'm annoyed. After a long bath, I feel clean but not sane.

I won't go into further detail but I'll just say that things aren't going well.

My essay plan came back, 60/100. It's a pass, that's the main thing. It's a better mark than my friends have got. But I still... feel like I could have done better. Miles better.

Reading another person's blog has shown me how fragmented, poorly structured and genuinely shit my blog really is. For that I'm sorry, but I'm not a structured person. I write when I can write and when I can write, I write what I can remember, and when I can remember it's not often important, interesting or worthwhile.

So I'm sorry this isn't War And Peace or Samuel Pepys' diaries, I'm just a regular girl, with a regular life, and a regular story.

History transfer.

2011-11-28T06:44:00.001-08:00

The meeting went well. All I need to do is write an essay on the Third Reich for one of the History lecturers to make them convinced that I work well, and I can adapt to the History conventions. The guy I spoke to was adorable, he really made me feel comfortable about the situation. He says I've not missed much from the first term and that's obviously a good thing. He's pleased with my progress in English and he's more than happy to let me move over providing I do the essay well and I pass everything in English. I feel this can only do me good. Happy times :)

Anxiety?

2011-11-28T06:42:00.001-08:00

I've come to theconclusion I have anxiety issues. I'm sitting on my bus into uni andI'm stressing out about my meeting with the history tutor in an hour.I've got that sick feeling in my stomach that I've not had for over ayear now. It'll be okay, I know it, I'm confident in my choice and Ijust hope the guy likes me. Yeah, I haven't decided to give him afalse first impression of me, I'm dressed as I do everyday and I'mnot pretending to be someone I'm not.

Week of HELL.

2011-11-26T15:56:00.001-08:00

Sunday - over Troy's house all day. As per.

Monday - 11am - meeting with History lecturer about my course switchover. Unknown building, unknown office.
12pm - Meeting with fellow student representatives about the strikes on Wednesday.
1.30pm - Seminar where I have to blag my way through saying I've done the homework when I haven't.
3pm - Go buy a massive product from Argos to lug on my bus back home.

Tuesday - lecture. Will probably miss seminar.
Online assessment opens for a week. Needs about an hour to sit down and concentrate on and actually pass.

Wednesday - Strike with lecturers until obscene hours.

Thursday - essay is due. Oh, and a lecture. And a seminar where I could possibly be doing an assessment on something I haven't got a clue about.

Friday - Seminar and lecture. Pointless day when I've done all the assessments for that subject.

Next week - committee meeting, book review, and more stress...

People like you...

2011-11-26T15:36:00.001-08:00

I hate people like you. I really do. People like you, the know-it-alls that sit at the front of the class paying the teacher more attention than the teacher is giving themselves. The geeks that aren't exactly geeks. You pretend to know everything about everything and yet when it comes to your results, you're not as smart as you make out to be. Hell, that's why you're at the uni I'm at. I'm smarter than you actually, but I just don't show it outwardly. I just fit in around everyone else, claim to be dumb at times when I know exactly what's going on internally. You'll learn from your mistakes one day. You almost made me screw up an entire assessment, but it's a good job I didn't pay you the attention you were demanding, or I'd have really lost it.

Strike!

2011-11-23T16:21:00.001-08:00

Apparently I'm going on strike with my lecturers next week.

Cool.

I got nothing better to do like.

This is to all you lurkers...

2011-11-23T16:20:00.001-08:00

So according to my stats, there are a fair few people reading my updates about the Foxy/Darkness gig. In which case... hi lurkers :)

Uni conflicting plans...

2011-11-22T10:41:00.001-08:00

Plan A - Make all student reps (that's me) join in with the lecturers striking on the 30th.
Plan B - Make all student reps (that's me) attend a committee meeting on the 30th.

Lecturers can't strike AND host a committee meeting at the same time.
Student reps also can't be in a committee meeting AND strike at the same time.

Morning rant. Or rather afternoon.

2011-11-21T06:32:00.001-08:00

It was there, in thatdirty clothes hamper, upside down, that I wrote this song...

Hello there Blogger!I'm in a strangely good mood today, maybe it's because I'm goingshopping later to pick up a few more pairs of skinny jeans. Maybeit's because I've finally got the balls to wear skinny jeans. I spentmy teenage years stressing about how big my legs are, and when I wason the way to The Darkness gig on Thursday, I completely lost all myfears, insecurities, everything. They just dropped off me like amiraculous weight lifted off my emo shoulders.

I say emo because myboyfriend's sister is convinced I'm an emo. Yeah, so I wear bandshirts, black skinnies, those silly plastic bracelets, converses andmy hair is black and swept over my face. Oh, and I now wear thatgorgeous Darkness hoodie I bought at the gig, and yes, that's alsoblack.

Anyway, his sistershowed us a photo of her hair styled 'emo', which to her is a longfringe all across her face, which is really just a fringe but Ididn't want to offend her by saying it's not emo. She even came outwith it, 'I want my hair emo, like Ali's'. I feel quite proud ofmyself for influencing others, but the only problem is she's 14 andstill in school, and I know from experience that our school neveraccepted me and my style, so if she does decide to pick it up, I willfeel guilty for her being singled out by the teachers. She wants todye her hair either black or blue, and when I said blue would lookgorgeous on her, she reminded me what the school really is like. Ourheadmistress put one of my friends in isolation for the entire daywhen she dyed hers pink, and that was the last of her extravagantcolours. I've reminded his sister that in two years time, she can doeverything she wants with her image, but quite frankly, I neverlistened to the school when I was there anyway. I used to wear flaredblack jeans instead of school trousers, and I'd always wear converseswhen I could get away with them. Thankfully my jeans were so flaredthat my feet were invisible underneath them.

Anyway, remindingmyself of that school is driving me insane. I'm on the bus to uniwriting this now, but I'll submit it when I get into my FictionalWriting seminar. Which is going pitifully, thanks for asking. Ihaven't done the past two homework tasks purely because I am soexcruciatingly bored of the slow progression of the course. Anyway. Ican do it all when it's due in next month.

Time really has gonequite fast to tell you the truth. I'm amazed that it's already overhalf way through November and I've got less than a month to go.

My assignments will beabsolutely pitiful, I can just tell that. But I can't really do muchbetter than I'm already doing. I'm trying but I'm just so frightfullybored stiff of English. If, that's a big if, they let me switchcourses to History, then I'll be a significantly more astute student.I'd have to be, the work in History is far more challenging for methan English. But I prefer a challenge. English has always come assecond nature to me, I've always been good at it. I've alwaysexcelled. I had top marks all the way through school, A* at GCSE andA in A level. Getting top grades does get boring, and that's not mebeing stuck-up, I genuinely do not like always being fantastic atsomething. Like when I got my grades back for my Law and Sociology Alevels, both Cs, I was gutted because they stopped me getting into agood university, but at the same time I was pleased that I had achallenge and the exams kept me awake, and they taught me how to dothings I hadn't done before, whereas English has always been with meand I've always been good and that's never changed, the approaches tothe work haven't even changed either.

It's coming up toChristmas obviously, and even now I haven't found myself a job. MaybeI'm not paying enough attention to the options out there for me.Maybe I'm too busy. Maybe I'm not busy enough. Maybe I need to getdown to the dirty work and get some jobhunting in. I will. Soon.

Driving past my collegeas I write. It's strange seeing the college students again. I thoughtI was top dog when I was there, I thought I was mature, grown up, Ihad reach my pinnacle of educational standards. I couldn't have beenmore wrong. I had no idea what was in store for me at university.Although quite frankly I'm at a low-down university so the otherstudents are far from intelligent. When I sent one of my friends mynotes for a lecture she missed, she came back to me and said 'sorry,but what does POV stand for?'. Come off it. I'm sorry, I love thegirl, but that really drove me insane.

Hahaha, my computerjust slowed WAY down, maybe it can't keep up with how fast I type. Imust be driving the other people on the bus mad with all this. I type100wpm and that aggravates people. Sure, it'd aggravate me if I wassat around listening to someone else doing it, but it's happeneingbecause of my hands, so I'm not bothered by my own cacophony of keysmashing. Plus, it's half drowned out by my headphones, which arecurrently playing Foxy Shazam – Some Kind Of Love. I have aplaylist of Foxy songs which I keep on loop all day, and it consistsof the entire self-titled album and one other song – I Like It. I'mnot too sure on their early music just yet. I haven't been in anexperimental mood to listen to it all properly just yet.

Anyway, just pullinginto the bus station now!

Foxy and The Darkness, in full colour! :O

2011-11-20T15:45:00.001-08:00

Eric with his lit-up cowboy hat.

Justin showing off.

Dan rocking out and Frankie being awesome as always.

Justin singing Holding My Own acoustic with a top hat.

The Darkness, Foxy Shazam and Crown Jewel Defense, 17th November 2011.

2011-11-19T17:20:00.001-08:00

17th November - Crown Jewel Defense, Foxy Shazam and The Darkness.

The night started outside the guildhall, with me and Troy smoking a few too many because we were getting tired of waiting. We were queueing up outside, and as I was giving Troy a hug, I looked over his shoulder to see none other than Eric Nally, walking in through the front door. I couldn't. Believe. My eyes. I'd let Eric walk straight past me, moustache, bowl cut, everything. I was devastated. But still, I nearly brushed shoulders with him and that's all that matters to me.

After an hour of extra waiting because clearly Foxy had turned up late, so we smoked too many more, and while we were waiting, we did some queue spotting. A girl in ankle-shagging flares, a woman with a Hello Kitty hat, and (this is only one I noticed but didn't vocalise) - a gorgeous man in a white vest and skinny jeans, eyeliner, the lot.

Which leads me nicely onto the first act as we finally got in. Me and Troy were right at the front on the right-hand side of the crowd, and on came the guy in the white vest and skinnies, and he sat behind the drum kit. Crown Jewel Defense, my new second-favourite band. I just Googled them and accidentally ended up on the official Crown Jewels website, haha! Anyway. All GORGEOUS band members walk on, lead singer covered in glitter and war paint, start off with Forgotten Life, and it's a beautiful song, I recommend it to anyone that's never heard of them before. All their other songs were so engrossing, and surprisingly heavy, which I love, and I'm totally regretting not picking up their CD on the way out now. I hope I can find their music somewhere, or I'll cry. The lead singer was constantly reminding us who their band was - after every song he'd say 'hey guys, as we said, we're Crown Jewel Defense' - honey, if I wanted to remember you, I would've by now. I was lucky to have found them a day before the gig and listened to Forgotten Life and fell in love with it. At first glance I thought they would be a lot like a low-budget Steel Panther but oh my word, they are FUCKING AMAZING.

Anyway, onto my highlight of the night, which is a bit silly considering I bought the tickets initially to go see The Darkness, and when I heard that Foxy Shazam were the support act, I wasn't best pleased that it was a band I'd never heard of before. I actually remember sitting on the steps waiting for my bus one night, checking The Darkness' Twitter and their announcement of Foxy as support crushed me. I thought to myself, 'who the FUCK are these people?! They better not be shitty wannabes that will ruin my entire fucking night'. How wrong was I? I'm in LOVE with Foxy. I'm crazy about them. Eric has become my hero. So I spent the months before the gig getting to know their new album and how they perform live. I watched endless videos of Eric eating lit cigarettes, his stage banter about his Top Gun paper planes and a wash basket. I prepared myself for the insanity that is Foxy Shazam, live on stage. My heart was racing, my ears were ringing, I felt dizzy. I was about to see my favourite band of ALL time, come up and grace the stage not two metres from me. Loren and Sky made their positions, and out came Eric, dressed in the same outfit as me - black leather jacket, sparkly black top, black skinnies. I was gobsmacked. They opened with a song which I cannot for the life of me remember which one, but I was mesmerised, so I had an excuse. I have it recorded on my shitty phone and I'm converting the video files to something accessible as I type. But I was blown away. For half an hour this gorgeous, perfect band stood not two metres from me, Sky stood on his keyboard, Eric straddled Loren's neck and humped it, Aaron fucking killed his drum kit. I was in love, at that moment, I was in love. I looked around and saw I was the only crowd member dancing, singing along, getting really into it. Thinking back, I regret not shouting something entirely inappropriate to Eric, and he would have noticed me. Although he did wink in my direction when he looked over to my side of the crowd, but maybe it was to Sky, I dunno. Anyway. Their act ended all too fast and I was gutted. At that point I was keen to just walk out and forget about the Darkness, I wanted to see Eric and thank him for everything he's done for me.

We made our way back out to have a cigarette, and quite frankly, that was the easiest gig I've ever left. We had to shove nobody, no pushing, we weaved through scatterings of people and that was it, we were at the back within seconds. And it was so much easier walking straight back in, we made our way back before the Darkness to almost the same spot we left, this time we were literally hugging the side wall on the right hand side of the crowd.

The crowd roared, I couldn't see why, and then there he was - Justin Hawkins, in all his beautiful curly-bearded, sleeve-tattooed, waistcoated awesomeness, emerging from behind the speakers, and he barely addressed the crowd - fuck it, he didn't NEED to. He OWNED that stage. The rest of their set was a blur - they played some new songs and he apologised for us tolerating them. The highlight for me was Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) - the snow falling from the ceiling, the green-red lights - all of it was so beautiful. Introducing Christmas Time, Justin addressed us asking how many of us were students, because he'd heard Southampton was a student city - so I screamed my head off in celebration of my studentness. When he fell silent for a split second, a man in the middle of the crowd shouted that their team was the top of the league, and Justin replied 'well this man's team is top of the league, and if they're still top of the league by Christmas, then here's a song for you'... Beautiful. SO beautiful. Seeing Frankie Poullain metres from me, I could've died right there and then and been so fucking ecstatic at the pearly gates that I couldn't care if they sent me straight to hell. They ended the act with a promise that they'll come back again next year - and fuck it, I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss it.

We came out and I bought a Darkness hoodie, I'd waited in the queue so long I couldn't be bothered to work out the maths and buy some Foxy and CJD merch - which I bitterly regret now. Anyway. The night ended and I've never been happier. I could've stayed til 1 and met the bands but it was just too cold.

The Darkness tonight!!

2011-11-17T03:23:00.001-08:00

Not long now! I'm just sitting around the house in a towel painting my nails silver because my parents are out buying stuff, and I've asked my mum to buy me some silver makeup, so I may well be waiting a while for it all to come back. I'm really so fucking excited! Our rental car turned up earlier, it's a pretty little turquoise Ford Focus, nothing special but I'm so glad it's not a two-door, or worse, a two-seater...

Anyway, it looks like Troy's gonna be sitting up front with my dad, but that's not a big deal, just means they'll get along better.

We're being dropped off up at the Marlands, so hopefully, fingers crossed, I can go down to Primark, buy myself some skinnies, change into them, then hand my mum the jeans I'm wearing. We'll see if I can be bothered.

Either way, I'm getting a hoodie from the gig so I won't be freezing my arse off the entire night...

2011-11-16T17:32:00.001-08:00

THE FUCKING DARKNESS AND FOXY SHAZAM TONIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Dilemma.

2011-11-15T16:03:00.001-08:00

What do you do when this person's birthday is in a few days? Panic, that's what you do.

News.

2011-11-15T16:01:00.003-08:00

Sorry, looks like the NaBloPoMo attempt fell flat on its arse after my home broadband limit went psycho, but it’s okay, it’ll be sorted by Thursday. Which is the gig night!

I’ve got some massive news for you, whoever you are, reading this. I’m writing this with my fingers crossed because it’s all in the development stage right now. When I went to my dad’s best mate’s wedding last year, one of the other guests was telling us about their life up in a local town, the wife of the couple was a housekeeper on a big estate, and the husband was retired. The couple are now moving back to Wales, so the job is going open as of March. We’re hoping that the foot-in-the-door of us knowing them will help my mum get the housekeeper job and my dad will stay with the AA. The job comes with a 2 bedroom cottage. Only problem is, that means no room for me. It’s not actually a problem for me, if anything, it’s a positive for me, because this is my chance to spread my wings and fly the nest. I’ve spoken to Troy and we’ve decided that despite the fact we’ve only been together for a few weeks, we have been in love for about 8 years, so it’s by no means a fast move, but we’re going to move in together. First we’ll find a flat in Whitchurch. He has a load of stuff in his house that’s solely his from the last time he moved out, so we’re not hard up for a stepping stone. It’s either Whitchurch or I attempt to go and live with my friend Mana at uni up in her student housing just a bit further up the hill from uni. Her flat mates are 3rd year students and will be moving out by the end of this year, so she would ideally love people to move in that she actually recognises, knows and trusts.

This really is such an exciting time for me, I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for two years now, and it’s finally turned up. I’ll actually decapitate anyone who stands in my parents way of getting this job. Of course, there’s always a catch. My parents wouldn’t be living far from us so I’d still have to go back to see them every weekend, as a contractual agreement. My parents couldn’t possibly cut the ties that easily.